My Belief

#trust30 day 3

"What's one strong belief you possess that isn't shared by your closest friends or family? What inspires this belief, and what have you done to actively live it?"

This is possibly the most challenging question that could be asked of me today.  I've been blessed that my closest friends and closest family share most of my strong beliefs.  I'd love to write something profound and noble today, about how I believe in the intrinsic value of every person on earth.  That no one is beyond forgiveness and redemption.  Every one of us is significant. There is hope for everyone, no matter what you've been through...what you've done or what's been done to you.  But the people I am closest to believe this too. So I have to go deeper inside myself.  This is about truth, right?

I grew up as an objectivist, embracing the philosophy of Ayn Rand.  The foundational concepts of self-reliance, logic, and accepting reality as it is based on objective evidence resonates with my soul.  One of the basic tenents is that "contradictions don't exist".  If two ideas seem to conflict then one (or both) must be wrong.  There aren't shades of truth, there is such thing as ultimate truth that can be discovered through objective analysis of facts.  This makes so much sense that to me it's hard to believe it even needs to be stated out loud.

Then, relatively late in my life for an Okie boy, Christ entered my life. As I learned more about Him, a number of things that appeared to be contradictions were revealed to me.  For example, in order to have life to the fullest, you must die to yourself.  To be first, you must be last. In order to be victorious, you must surrender.  To find love in a way that will fill you, you must be completely selfless.  Each of those are ideas I'd love to expore on this blog because as an analytical/logical person that grew up and Objectivist that hated religion but found Christ at 32 I believe I have a pretty unique perspective.  But today's question isn't about a truth that Christ gave us, it is about my own strong belief.

I bring this up because my strong belief that isn't share by those around me is a contradiction within myself.  See, although I believe everything I stated above about YOU, I don't believe any of it about myself.  I spend a lot of my time searching for significance within myself, searching for that thing God wants me to do. But I never measure up.  Although I could compile an objective list of evidence of my own intelligence, I don't feel like anything I've done has been very unique or special.  I haven't achieved anything that anyone else couldn't have done equally well (or better) had they tried.

Yes, my unique and strong belief is in my own mediocrity.  Within me I have an almost crippling fear of failure yet I'm also my own worst critic.  This can be a deadly combination.  I have an undying need to reach the world.  But any time I reach out by writing, teaching, volunteering, or attempting to change the world for the better, all I see afterwards are the mountains of evidence screaming out about how insignificant and ineffective my efforts were.  The tendrils of this work their way into every crevice of my life. 

So, to finish thoroughly answering the question...what "inspires" this belief?  As I've progressed through my spiritual journey I've come to understand that each of us is broken in some way.  In some the outward manifestation of this is a negative habit or addiction.  Some people become power hungry, manipulative, or abusive.  Some allow themselves to be used by others in order to feel loved.  And this is my brokenness.  Everyone feels it in some way.  It's a longing deep inside that cannot seem to be filled no matter how desperately we try.  I see it everywhere, in everyone.  I would even go so far as to say filling this broken place is what ultimately drives the direction of our lives.  My own feelings of incompleteness, of insignificance, drive me to want to be significant.  I want to matter.  I crying out to be known by someone.  Yet I feel unknowable.  And my biggest obstacle is me.