I've been leading worship for about 8 months now. The story of how that came to be is pretty amazing and unlikely, but it's for another day.
The first thing I had to do when I began leading worship was to submit. The act of leading worship became an exercise in continual submission. I am not a gifted musician. I don't have a great voice. The only way God can be glorified by my strumming and singing is if He is doing it through me. And He does. When I let Him.
Recently a song found me that was new to us. We've been working on it a few weeks and the song has taught me new facets of worshiping God that I didn't know were there previously. As a result, this song energizes me. Because the act of singing it and playing it tunes my heart to God's pitch, I feel like I have an open conduit for the Holy Spirit to rain down into me. I don't want to stop, I want to get my fill and let it overflow. We have a count-down timer before we start the worship set and I could hardly contain myself watching it tick down. It was in slow motion. I needed to praise my King! It's time for worship! Even though "that song" wouldn't be played for another 45 minutes, I needed to shout and sing and glorify the Lord. I almost felt like there was a crackling energy emanating sparking between me and the guitar and on up to heaven.
I used to have brief moments like this. Not so deep or profound, but a taste of what being touched by the Holy Spirit was like. It used to leave me drained. We called it the Holy Hangover. An encounter with God was always followed by an emotional valley. It seemed inevitable. Now I don't think that's the case. When we allow Jesus to make our hearts new again, they are like a new wineskin. They can hold more than before, they can hold a different type of liquid than before. I feel like He's made my heart new again. It's not broken like it was before. When it's filled, it doesn't all spill out immediately, leaving an empty void. Or maybe it is broken, but instead of brief moments of refilling my heart has learned how to constantly seek Him out, to constantly replenish from the source itself. Where I previously thought that humans need a recovery period from our spiritual encounters, maybe the opposite is actually true. Maybe it's that we're more whole when we strive to never cease these encounters.
Our God is Healer, awesome in power...
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Beautiful Souls
Today I got to spend a few hours with a brother-in-Christ that I have been longing to reconnect with. He's from Columbia (South America) but currently lives in Naples, FL. Connecting with him tonight was an unexpected answer to a non-specific prayer.
I seem to have a special place in my heart for people from other countries. When I run into Juan from Columbia, or my friend Rafael from Brazil, or Kevin from Jamaica, or the guys at Crowderfest that were from so far south in Texas that English wasn't their native language (Ricardo and Noe)...every time I encounter them, I see God in them, I see the beauty of their homeland and their culture, the love of their families, and the incredible tapestry that God has woven by creating this diversity that sometimes scares us. These encounters make me long for more. I want to converse with them in their language, to see their homeland with their eyes, to worship our God alongside them in a way that transcends all human barriers. My heart breaks for the people that can't see this beauty. I'm so thankful to God that He allows me to see this and connect with all these beautiful souls.
I seem to have a special place in my heart for people from other countries. When I run into Juan from Columbia, or my friend Rafael from Brazil, or Kevin from Jamaica, or the guys at Crowderfest that were from so far south in Texas that English wasn't their native language (Ricardo and Noe)...every time I encounter them, I see God in them, I see the beauty of their homeland and their culture, the love of their families, and the incredible tapestry that God has woven by creating this diversity that sometimes scares us. These encounters make me long for more. I want to converse with them in their language, to see their homeland with their eyes, to worship our God alongside them in a way that transcends all human barriers. My heart breaks for the people that can't see this beauty. I'm so thankful to God that He allows me to see this and connect with all these beautiful souls.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Listen
What does it all mean? That's the question that I keep asking myself. See, I'm on this strange journey of faith that has all kinds of twists and turns. As I walk down this road, I try to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit. I try to submit my will over to Him, to put myself aside and follow faith. He always "shows up" (note: that phrase bugs me...He's always here so how come we say He "shows up?") and something spectacular always happens.
I can be stubborn, though. One of my biggest struggles is one of discernment. I have a long and intimate relationship with doubt, my natural reaction is to question things. Because of this, there are two huge challenges for me in my deepening walk with Christ.
First, I doubt that I'm hearing "Him". It often comes on like a whisper, like a gentle nudge into a certain direction. It's kind of like this...you're driving down a highway on a long trip. It's straight and monotonous (I live in Oklahoma, there's a lot of highways like that around here). So you phase out a little bit. You don't notice everything around you. Suddenly there's an off-ramp. Is this my exit? You vaguely remember seeing a sign, but you weren't paying attention. Yet as your mind plays back the last few miles, you do recall the sign, the details come into a little bit sharper focus. Yes, this is your exit. But as you commit, as you pull off, you still wonder...was there really a sign? That is what I do when I first hear that whisper. I tend to keep cruising along, believing it's easier to turn around and come back than to bother slowing down. So I doubt that the sign was there, and I keep cruising along.
Second, I can't tell if it's "my will" or His. Do I have the thoughts running around in my head in order to indulge or satisfy my own glory? I'm not one that believes God will smite me if I take a wrong turn, but when it's something big I'd sure rather be doing it for His will than mine!
Right now I'm stuck. I have something big going down. Something life changing, the kind of thing I don't mind doing in order to honor God, to change the world. It requires stepping out of my comfort zone, to completely shake up this life that I'm used to and relatively comfortable in. That's not quite right...really, I feel like I live outside my comfort zone because of my desire to follow Him. This would be huge, though. And, I've passed enough road signs to be relatively sure that this is the exit I need to take. But am I supposed to let it unfold, or I am I supposed to push it along. Is this the time to stand in faith or press forward through the obstacles?
Since action can be tough (and final) my inclination is to say it's time to wait. That's the more prudent thing to do. Don't rush into anything. Spend more time in prayer, wait for additional guidance. But, to paraphrase what happened in the book of Joshua, sometimes God has already given me all the direction He needs to and then it's time to get up off my knees and act. Am I there?
I can be stubborn, though. One of my biggest struggles is one of discernment. I have a long and intimate relationship with doubt, my natural reaction is to question things. Because of this, there are two huge challenges for me in my deepening walk with Christ.
First, I doubt that I'm hearing "Him". It often comes on like a whisper, like a gentle nudge into a certain direction. It's kind of like this...you're driving down a highway on a long trip. It's straight and monotonous (I live in Oklahoma, there's a lot of highways like that around here). So you phase out a little bit. You don't notice everything around you. Suddenly there's an off-ramp. Is this my exit? You vaguely remember seeing a sign, but you weren't paying attention. Yet as your mind plays back the last few miles, you do recall the sign, the details come into a little bit sharper focus. Yes, this is your exit. But as you commit, as you pull off, you still wonder...was there really a sign? That is what I do when I first hear that whisper. I tend to keep cruising along, believing it's easier to turn around and come back than to bother slowing down. So I doubt that the sign was there, and I keep cruising along.
Second, I can't tell if it's "my will" or His. Do I have the thoughts running around in my head in order to indulge or satisfy my own glory? I'm not one that believes God will smite me if I take a wrong turn, but when it's something big I'd sure rather be doing it for His will than mine!
Right now I'm stuck. I have something big going down. Something life changing, the kind of thing I don't mind doing in order to honor God, to change the world. It requires stepping out of my comfort zone, to completely shake up this life that I'm used to and relatively comfortable in. That's not quite right...really, I feel like I live outside my comfort zone because of my desire to follow Him. This would be huge, though. And, I've passed enough road signs to be relatively sure that this is the exit I need to take. But am I supposed to let it unfold, or I am I supposed to push it along. Is this the time to stand in faith or press forward through the obstacles?
Since action can be tough (and final) my inclination is to say it's time to wait. That's the more prudent thing to do. Don't rush into anything. Spend more time in prayer, wait for additional guidance. But, to paraphrase what happened in the book of Joshua, sometimes God has already given me all the direction He needs to and then it's time to get up off my knees and act. Am I there?
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