Listen

What does it all mean? That's the question that I keep asking myself. See, I'm on this strange journey of faith that has all kinds of twists and turns. As I walk down this road, I try to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit. I try to submit my will over to Him, to put myself aside and follow faith. He always "shows up" (note: that phrase bugs me...He's always here so how come we say He "shows up?") and something spectacular always happens.

I can be stubborn, though. One of my biggest struggles is one of discernment. I have a long and intimate relationship with doubt, my natural reaction is to question things. Because of this, there are two huge challenges for me in my deepening walk with Christ.

First, I doubt that I'm hearing "Him". It often comes on like a whisper, like a gentle nudge into a certain direction. It's kind of like this...you're driving down a highway on a long trip. It's straight and monotonous (I live in Oklahoma, there's a lot of highways like that around here). So you phase out a little bit. You don't notice everything around you. Suddenly there's an off-ramp. Is this my exit? You vaguely remember seeing a sign, but you weren't paying attention. Yet as your mind plays back the last few miles, you do recall the sign, the details come into a little bit sharper focus. Yes, this is your exit. But as you commit, as you pull off, you still wonder...was there really a sign? That is what I do when I first hear that whisper. I tend to keep cruising along, believing it's easier to turn around and come back than to bother slowing down. So I doubt that the sign was there, and I keep cruising along.

Second, I can't tell if it's "my will" or His. Do I have the thoughts running around in my head in order to indulge or satisfy my own glory? I'm not one that believes God will smite me if I take a wrong turn, but when it's something big I'd sure rather be doing it for His will than mine!

Right now I'm stuck. I have something big going down. Something life changing, the kind of thing I don't mind doing in order to honor God, to change the world. It requires stepping out of my comfort zone, to completely shake up this life that I'm used to and relatively comfortable in. That's not quite right...really, I feel like I live outside my comfort zone because of my desire to follow Him. This would be huge, though. And, I've passed enough road signs to be relatively sure that this is the exit I need to take. But am I supposed to let it unfold, or I am I supposed to push it along. Is this the time to stand in faith or press forward through the obstacles?

Since action can be tough (and final) my inclination is to say it's time to wait. That's the more prudent thing to do. Don't rush into anything. Spend more time in prayer, wait for additional guidance. But, to paraphrase what happened in the book of Joshua, sometimes God has already given me all the direction He needs to and then it's time to get up off my knees and act. Am I there?