Finding words

God has been so good to me. He has carefully cultivated relationships in my life. He brought an incredible woman into my life and taught us how to fearlessly, sacrificially, and unconditionally love each other as only spouses can. He has blessed me with two of the most incredible and inspiring sons that a father could ever hope to have. I find myself surrounded by a remarkable and tight-knit community of believers that aren't scared of authenticity and a little bit of crazy faith. I experience an astounding awe daily when I look around at the connections that God has put into my life. Deep and meaningful relationships. They believe in me. I believe in them. I've longed for this all my life and here it is. An unrealistic dream brought to life.

I thought my heart was full. It was overflowing with praise, love, grace, concern, and compassion. Although it's often messy, these experiences are deep and real. Ever present. Overwhelming in a good way.

But God wasn't done. See, my God isn't silent. He is a bold, over-the-top kind of God.

He has been showing me for a few years that our family isn't a family of four. It's bigger than that. It's not complete yet. I've been prepared for and open to what's to come. At least I thought I was. I would tell God, "use our family, use our house. Use our love. Use our lives. Lead the lost or abandoned to us. Make the path clear. We are willing." In my mind, I expected to find a baby on our doorstep someday.

I received a phone call while on a layover in the Denver airport. "K" needed a place. She's a very sweet 17 year old girl about to start her senior year of high school. The details of her story aren't for me to reveal. Without hesitation, without even a twinge of doubt, the answer was yes. There was no doubt this is at least part of what God has been preparing us for.

Like you would expect, once "K" moved in reality hit. Unlike what you'd expect, it has been natural and seamless. She fits beautifully into our house and our family, bringing new life where I never even realized it has been missing. It's like she was always meant to be with us.

I thought my heart was full. Since that phone call, it has swelled. It feels like it is simultaneously bursting and breaking. Overflowing with love for this new daughter I never knew I needed. Breaking at the thought of the time together we haven't had but grateful for the future that is in front of us. Bursting with laughter while wrestling with an aspect of fatherhood I didn't expect to experience. Delighting in the joy of emotions that keep surfacing unexpectedly. On one hand, suddenly having a 17 year old daughter is like learning to swim by jumping into the deep end of the ocean. On the other, when God makes these connections happen it all just works.

All I can say is welcome to the family, sweetie. We don't really live inside much of a comfort zone and I hope you're okay with that. We're a bit crazy here. This is the kind of crazy that draws us nearer to God. It's good to be this kind of crazy.

Side Effects

I woke up this morning at 5AM. It was raining. For some reason I was shocked to learn that it was still pitch black outside that early.

Start!

Let me step back a minute... I've been a fan of Jon Acuff for a few years now. As part of the release for his new book, Start, he has kicked off a "Start Experiment." He is assembling a community of people that are passionate about their dreams but have maybe put their dreams aside. The book is all about hustle, ignoring fears, and taking bold steps toward your dream. So today, on day one, I got up at 5. In the morning.

My "project" is something very dear to me. It's so close to my heart that I haven't talked to many people about it. It might even sound crazy. Wait a second, did that sound a little like fear creeping in?

I've seen God do incredible things in the last five years. There was an incredible patch in late 2011 when I went on my first mission trip (Brazil). Shortly after was a volunteer chaplain at the state fair, ministering and loving the carnies. During that time I was developing Sunday School curriculum. I was also leading worship and small groups in a recovery ministry. A few other things too. God was so real then. I could sense Him with every breath I took. Every time I heard God ask me to move, I would move. Then I stopped.

God gave me a book. Well, first He gave me a Sunday School series, like He always does. But once it was over, it was pretty clear that it was supposed to turn into a book. The three week series was to grow into a three part book. There was an outline. A title. A bow on top. But I resisted.

My life has still been incredible. I still see God at work in me, through me, and around me. But it isn't quite the same. I'm not breathing in grace and breathing out praise. I'm not saying "Yes, Lord" to EVERYTHING anymore. I haven't started that book. Until now.

Today was day one of the Start Experiment. I got up at 5AM. I couldn't watch the lovely birds outside my window while I was working because it was still dark. And raining. But I could write. And I did. And it was good. It was freeing.

After that, I tackled the rest of my day. When my wife stumbled out of bed, full of sleepy eyes and bed-head hair, she looked radiant to me. As the kids gave me good-bye hugs it felt like I was on "Leave it to Beaver." I'm living a blessed life. I made it to work slightly later than usual, but managed to get the best parking spot ever. Once inside, the little things that typically to bug me about my job seemed almost delightful. Entertaining, maybe. Either way, they couldn't penetrate this bubble I was in. I took a long walk with a good friend at lunch. The weather was unseasonably perfect. All day long I was simply delighting in life. It was like God was shouting to me, "Trust me! I know what's best, and I'll take care of you. Trust me."

I thought that I was just getting up at 5. Apparently this is what it feels like to step back squarely into God's will. I'd call day one a productive one.

A second look?

Many people think Christianity is all about rules. It's about "do this, don't do that." I believed that most of my life, so I can relate. It kept me away for years. That was then, and now I know better.

The time between Palm Sunday and Easter up has been pretty special to me the past few years. In light of all the tension in the news (and in social media) it has been even more powerful this year. I'm amazed at how the message of grace, forgiveness, love, and redemption can so easily be muddled, confused, obscured, and ultimately missed.

I've been looking over these pictures since last week. They are from the first part of the "Passion Week"

presentation that my church is putting on this year. As I review them, I reflect on the joy and healing (physical, mental, and emotional) that are represented. I think about the tragedy and glory of what is to come in part two. It's humbling, moving,  inspiring, and life-changing to realize that God loves me (and you) so much that he went to these incredible lengths to demonstrate that love and to provide a way for us to have a  relationship with him.

This is what I know. God loves you. Jesus conquered death to build a bridge between you and God. He did that knowing that we aren't perfect and never will be. He isn't demanding perfection from us. As an incredible heavenly father, he wants to build a relationship with you, in spite of any fault you might think you have. In spite of any obstacle that you may think makes you unlovable to him. He loves you. Period.

Of course, if you're in the area I'd love for you to join us this week for Part Two at my church.  I'd also love for you to fearlessly join us in my Sunday School class. I'd like to challenge you to test our love, test our grace, see if we're a bunch of judgmental hypocrites or if we're broken people that have been radically transformed by His grace. But more important than that, I'd love for you to meet this Jesus guy that I know. Whether you ever come to my church or not, this kind of love and sacrifice demands a second look. There's nothing I like to talk about more.

I'd like to have a conversation with you if you feel you've been hurt or betrayed by the church. I'd love to share my story of the miracles I've seen in my life that have helped me to overcome the same thing. If you're brave and willing, I'll buy breakfast. No strings attached.

Faith

I remember it like it was yesterday. Picking up the phone at work, watching my finger meticulously dial each button. Slowly, each of the buttons of my wife's number were pressed. Then ringing. This was real.

"Hello?"

"Hey honey. I've got an interesting question for you."

Hesitantly, "Ok."

"How's your faith today?"

"Rock solid."

"I'm glad to hear that. They just told me that they're shutting down the company. Effective today."

In less than two weeks, we had lost a grandparent and had a child undergo surgery. Now this.

But this is what faith is built for. When life is out of control, faith proves its importance. The book of James reminds us that it is through our trials that faith shines. Hard times can refine, sharpen, and ultimately strengthen faith. It tells us that God is in control, even in our most trying times. Faith reminds us that we belong to God and that He loves us. Our circumstances don't change that. He's on our side, working in every situation. We know that we will emerge on the other side victorious, even if our current situation leads to death.

When the things of this world that we desperately cling to are stripped away, it is our faith that reveals to us that we still have Jesus. And that is enough.

Why am I a Christian?

I haven't always been. Most of my life has been spent in defiant opposition to religion in general. Christianity was the worst of them all, though. The closed minded--even empty minded--lives of the religious people I knew was a source of constant frustration for me.

One day I started going to church and the strangest thing happened. Yeah, that sounds like an abrupt about-face but the details are a story for another day. They aren't so important to today's tale.

When I went I found exactly what I expected. The average Christian still couldn't answer the tough questions I had. They also still sang slow and boring songs. They were nice enough, though. I kept an open mind. Not so much because of them, but because I was still seeking truth and I decided not to let these imperfect people stand between me and it. I decided I would give God a fair shot and not judge Him solely on the actions of His followers. I went back.

Mysteries Unfolding

What I found out ended up changing the trajectory of my life. God is real. The miracles I had been demanding from Him my whole life had been there all along. It was like a veil was lifted from my eyes and I could see how active God's hand had been my entire life, even when I was fighting against Him. He had been pursuing me. Not to condemn me, but to love me. I had been blinded by my own arrogance and stubbornness.

I discovered that the creator of the universe cared about me with a deep and personal love. He wanted me to be with Him. He wanted me to have a relationship with him. Even though I had been rebellious...even though I had actively tried to drive a wedge between Him and His followers. Even though I had done nothing to deserve it.

He showed me that He loved me so much He sent His only son to rescue me. God knew the cost would be His perfect and beloved son's life. God knew I wouldn't appreciate it. He knew I would treat His love with contempt. He knew I would return love with anger and hate. He sent Jesus anyway. That is an overwhelming, unconditional, and incomprehensible love! Why would He do that? It doesn't make sense.

That unraveled one of my last assumptions. I knew that kind of love wasn't something I was capable of. It wasn't something that was inside anyone I had ever met. In order to be "God," God couldn't think like me...like any of us. His ways would have to be different than ours. Higher in some way. He would have a lot more information at His disposal. A lot more experience, too. His perspective would be entirely different than ours. It would have to be. I don't know how I missed that all those years.

From Head to Heart

Once my mind was opened to the possibility--no, the reality--of God, my heart soon followed. I spent a lot of time wrestling with theology, trying to understand all the implications of what Christians believe. Along the way, the miracles started happening. They still haven't stopped. I had spent my entire life seeking truth, demanding evidence on my own terms. Once I gave up demanding and began seeking to just experience a relationship with God, the world opened up.

Satisfied?

To answer the last question that remains...why Christianity? Believing in a higher power is one thing, but why the whole Jesus thing? My first answer is that it was through Jesus and Christianity that I experienced everything I've described above, everything I've written in this blog, and more than can possibly be imagined. I know Christianity is true because I have lived it. It holds up.

In case that's not enough...I've studied the other major religions. I have lived a sensible, stable, productive non-religious life. It seems religion is man's way of trying to find his way to God. Religions define sets of rules and rituals that must be obeyed in order to please a distant God. Jesus, however, is God reaching toward us. Unlike Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, Mormonism, Scientology, and even Judaism, in Christianity it is God that has done the work. Jesus accepts and welcomes everyone, no matter how broken or disobedient they are. God has given us the freedom to choose Him.

Bishop William Temple said that the only thing we contribute to our salvation is the sin that makes salvation necessary. It's scandalous. Offensive. Unique. But true.

Just Move

Today was the 7th consecutive day I have gone for a long walk.

Seven days. That's not long.

I haven't done anything dramatic, just carved out thirty minutes to an hour a day to bundle up and get outside.

Things are already changing, though. 

My legs feel stronger. I've dropped a few pounds. There is a tangible difference.

As that inspirational revelation struck, I realized parallels to my spiritual walk.

Sometimes, for months on end...

I do nothing. 

There is no spiritual growth.

I yearn for intimacy with God, but...

I don't seek it. 

Eventually I turn back in a number of small ways and notice immediate differences in my life.

It starts with baby steps...more consistent, focused prayer, and focused time in the Word. Sometimes it starts with a musical worship experience.

My walk is shaky, my steps tentative. But as I persistently (if not consistently) continue this journey, I continue to be amazed, humbled, and honored at what God does.

He is there. 

Often He'll show off. I feel my spiritual legs strengthen and the journey becomes easier. He will remind me that He has been there all along, waiting for me to start moving again.

Wanting something doesn't make it so. Sometimes you have to just move.

When you are stuck, what do you do to get moving again?