Start Experiment: Round Two

Hello friends. If there's one thing I want you to know about me, it's that I believe in you. I mean that, too. I believe in you.

That's really all that's important. If you're curious, though...

I've had a love/hate relationship with writing for a number of years. I was blogging in '99 before the term was invented. I started a novel then, too. It fizzled after about 70 pages, leaving deep wounds that drove me away from the craft. A few years later I started to blog. And teach (developing my own curriculum). And more blogs (now I have 5, none of which are maintained regularly).

Round one of the Jon Acuff's Start Experiment found me in an interesting place. Way back in January of 2012 I taught a three week series in church. A few months later, God showed me that my next step was to turn it into a book. He gave me the outline. If that sounds weird to you, join the club. It sounded weird to me too. But it's true.

For a year and a half, I said no. Send me overseas, call me to love the unlovable, that's all fine. Just don't make me write. He kept thumping me upside the head, making it more and more clear that I'm supposed to write this thing. So I have been. As far as I know, the book is supposed to be 9 chapters. I tried to finish 3 for round one. Didn't quite get there, but I got really close. I made way more progress than I ever thought possible. I established some awesome habits thanks to the Experiment and the support of my new friends.

My advice, if you're interested...write. Disrupt your scheduled as much as you need to, just write. I'm a night owl that has been getting up at 5AM for the past 24(ish) days. That time is truly sacred. I have an awesome family that I love to spend time with in the evenings. I have a day job that doesn't relate to writing much at all. It's important to carve out and guard that precious time in the morning.

More advice...find people to connect with. It's a proven fact that dreams can die of loneliness. Be as interested in someone else's dream as you are in yours. You can't fight for someone else's dream, but you can feed it and nurture it along. When you do that, you'll inexplicably discover your own dreams transforming rapidly into reality.

Brace yourself for awesome. You can do it. I believe in you.

Check yourself

Shine!

On day one of Jon Acuff's Start Experiment, he challenged us to take an action step toward our goal. For some reason I thought he meant just one for day one. Apparently he meant one that we could repeat every day! 

This was my response:

"My action step for today is to write a blog post about Day One. It will be called 'Side effects' and I'll post it to my blog before I shut down for the night. Tomorrow I'll be up at 5 to work on the book."

Before unpacking the challenge, a few observations:

1. More leads to more. Whether following God or in writing, the more action I take, the deeper it gets. The more prolific my writing gets and the more profound my God gets. 
2. Perspiration is more important than inspiration. Although I don't like to believe that, Old Ben was right (that's Franklin, not Kenobi).

At first glance, it looks like my action step was to write one blog post. Looking back on the week, the goal (if I am allowed to set goals retroactively) was to get up at 5AM and work on the book every day.

The experience of this week has taught me that it is possible to disrupt the comfort of my own life in order to make room for pursuing God and the work He has set before me. As of this morning, the word count in the book is about 5600. Three weeks ago it was 0. Sunday night it was about 1200. That seems like a good start to me. Right now I've got some incredible momentum.

Additionally, this week my life has become deeper and more rich. The relationships I've made this week with other dreamers and visionaries has been incredible. I woke up at four o'clock on Friday morning to have breakfast with four other people that are not only outrageous dreamers but also outrageous doers. Intention will get you nowhere. That magical intersection of vision and hustle is the sweet spot that we crave. Being surrounded by people like that is extremely motivating and inspirational. If I hadn't been getting up a 5 on Monday through Thursday, there's no way I would've made it to that breakfast on Friday. In a way, it was like a reward for the obedience of the week.

Which leads to the more important area of the week. For me, writing this book is an act of obedience to God. By actually doing it, I've rediscovered a nearness to Him that has been eluding me in the last few months. Sitting down with a Bible, a prayer, and a blank page has led me to incredible new insight into God. It has been delightful diving into Job and Genesis with fresh eyes this week and following where He leads. On one hand, I'd love to share it with the world, but on the other I know that if this persistence act of obedience is simply between me and God then that is sufficient.

In addition to the book, have I written more this week? After all, that was the heart of the first part of that action step. My response is yes, but not over the top or outrageously. This is the third post on this blog this week, which is definitely above average. I did transcribe another very short post for my dog Pete this week as well. Privately, I've spent quite a bit of time (and words) writing email to my new friends. I've done a little bit of analog journaling this week as well.

Was week one awesome? Check. What action goals can I set for week two? I will continue to get up at 5AM and write. It's amazing what it is like to begin writing in that open space that is found in the darkness before the sun rises. Additional goals are to write at least one blog post on each of my (5) blogs.

Side Effects

I woke up this morning at 5AM. It was raining. For some reason I was shocked to learn that it was still pitch black outside that early.

Start!

Let me step back a minute... I've been a fan of Jon Acuff for a few years now. As part of the release for his new book, Start, he has kicked off a "Start Experiment." He is assembling a community of people that are passionate about their dreams but have maybe put their dreams aside. The book is all about hustle, ignoring fears, and taking bold steps toward your dream. So today, on day one, I got up at 5. In the morning.

My "project" is something very dear to me. It's so close to my heart that I haven't talked to many people about it. It might even sound crazy. Wait a second, did that sound a little like fear creeping in?

I've seen God do incredible things in the last five years. There was an incredible patch in late 2011 when I went on my first mission trip (Brazil). Shortly after was a volunteer chaplain at the state fair, ministering and loving the carnies. During that time I was developing Sunday School curriculum. I was also leading worship and small groups in a recovery ministry. A few other things too. God was so real then. I could sense Him with every breath I took. Every time I heard God ask me to move, I would move. Then I stopped.

God gave me a book. Well, first He gave me a Sunday School series, like He always does. But once it was over, it was pretty clear that it was supposed to turn into a book. The three week series was to grow into a three part book. There was an outline. A title. A bow on top. But I resisted.

My life has still been incredible. I still see God at work in me, through me, and around me. But it isn't quite the same. I'm not breathing in grace and breathing out praise. I'm not saying "Yes, Lord" to EVERYTHING anymore. I haven't started that book. Until now.

Today was day one of the Start Experiment. I got up at 5AM. I couldn't watch the lovely birds outside my window while I was working because it was still dark. And raining. But I could write. And I did. And it was good. It was freeing.

After that, I tackled the rest of my day. When my wife stumbled out of bed, full of sleepy eyes and bed-head hair, she looked radiant to me. As the kids gave me good-bye hugs it felt like I was on "Leave it to Beaver." I'm living a blessed life. I made it to work slightly later than usual, but managed to get the best parking spot ever. Once inside, the little things that typically to bug me about my job seemed almost delightful. Entertaining, maybe. Either way, they couldn't penetrate this bubble I was in. I took a long walk with a good friend at lunch. The weather was unseasonably perfect. All day long I was simply delighting in life. It was like God was shouting to me, "Trust me! I know what's best, and I'll take care of you. Trust me."

I thought that I was just getting up at 5. Apparently this is what it feels like to step back squarely into God's will. I'd call day one a productive one.

Who are you?

I've been participating in the "Christian Bloggers" community over on Google+ for a little while now. For the past few weeks, a challenge has been issued that we can choose to write about. I love things like that, so I've eagerly participated. Last week it was "Who is your audience?" 

Audience? I tend to be sporadic and random. But through all my half-thoughts and wandering prose,  underlying themes arise. This question has been at work in my heart and mind. The deadline is long past, but the question still hangs.

My answer has two components. I think it makes sense to start with Jesus. Luke 4 tells us that Jesus said He came to "tell the Good News to the poor. ...To announce forgiveness to the prisoners of sin and the restoring of sight to the blind, to forgive those who have been shattered by sin, to announce the year of the Lord’s favor." This is my guidance. I can't be like Jesus, but my goal is to reflect the work He has done in me.

Afflicted?

Through everything I write, and in fact in everything I do, my sincere hope and prayer is to be a comfort to the afflicted. That doesn't mean afflicted believers. That means the afflicted. Period. To those that feel overwhelmed by life, oppressed, trapped, or at the end of your rope, my hope is that in me you find compassion and understanding. I've been there too. You are not alone. I write about the love and incredible, outrageous grace of God so that you can know that God loves you right where you are. You don't have to clean yourself up before asking God into your life. I don't care what your "sin" is. Whether you are a believer or not, God wants to draw you closer to Him. Throughout history He has demonstrated this in a number of ways, the most significant was sacrificing His only son in order to pay the price for the chains you feel. There is a way out. God provided it. Because He loves you that much.

Comforted?

The second component of everything I write and teach is aimed at the "comforted." I have crossed paths with people my entire life that have this air about them. You know the type. They know enough of the Bible to defend their personal beliefs, culture, and biases. They are offensively confident in all they believe. They are great at talking but horrible at listening. It's a lot like a song I used to know that says "He holds his Bible like a dagger, and he twists it the same way." While the Christian "comforted" are the most obvious, there are plenty of people that cling to other belief systems the same way. I write for them too.

I love people that have rock solid faith. That's not my target. I aim for people that have not been transformed by the gospel. Maybe they are "cultural Christians," learning the lingo in order to fit in or improve their lives. Their motivation may be power, influence, money, or even just acceptance. They don't see themselves as sinners saved by grace. They see themselves as righteous enforcers of God's law. Don't get me wrong, I love these people, too. I believe God is reaching out to them just as strongly as He is to the "prisoners of sin." I'm not condemning them, I'm trying to get them to think... trying to get them to be a little introspective. To dig deeper into their faith and into their scriptures and experience total life transformation that originates from allowing God to work in the most hidden places in their heart.

Who?

I write to comfort the afflicted. I write to afflict the comforted. The truth is, I fall squarely into both categories every day. Writing forces thoughts to become concrete, where they can be explored and refined. I write about the love of God and the grace of God because I need to hear it. Every day. I've been a Christian for almost 7 years now, and I still sin. I still feel unworthy of God's love. That's because I am unworthy of God's love. But He chose to love me anyway. I didn't earn it and I'm still not earning it. No, I'm gratefully dancing in it, but I know that it's in spite of all I've done, not because of all I've done.

On the other hand...I go to church. A lot. I spend a lot of time in the Word. I almost have a verse from Habakkuk memorized. Most Christians probably don't know there even is a book of Habakkuk. I've been on multiple international mission trips and have been a part of countless salvation decisions. I have seen the Holy Spirit light up someones eyes for the first time. I've seen the tears of transformation flowing down an old man's formerly hopeless face. I teach adult Sunday school every week to a group of incredible, authentic, and broken people that I consider close friends. I've been writing my own curriculum in there for 3 years.  We're all just trying to get to know Jesus a little better. I also teach 5th and 6th graders on Wednesday night. And I'm about to start writing my own curriculum for that, too.  That's in addition to my full time job that pays pretty well (which I always tithe on...pre-tax). I've looked a high meth-addict in the eye, shaken his hand, and honestly told him "I'm glad you came to church today, come on in." I've hugged and prayed with carnival workers that had been high and homeless days earlier. When I list my "accomplishments" it would be easy to feel pride. It would be easy to feel like God must really like me because I do so much for him.

But, like Paul, I know that isn't the case. Without God I'm a hopeless mess. Without me, God is still God. Anything incredible that comes out of my life originates with Him. So I write. I write to remind myself of this. I write to drive myself back to Him. I write for me...I write for you. But ultimately, I'm writing for Him.

While reading this, if you felt like you fell into either category I can't say that it was entirely accidental. What I can tell you is that you aren't alone. You just found a new friend in me. I can tell you countless stories about how God loves you so much that you can trust Him with everything you have. You can tear down all the walls that are between you and Him and experience life that is more full, meaningful, exciting, and significant than you have ever imagined. That is available to everyone. Even me.

Intuition

Trust 30 : Day 24 (prompt by Susan Piver)

The secret of fortune is joy in our hands. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you could picture your intuition as a person, what would he or she look like? If you sat down together for dinner, what is the first thing he or she would tell you?

My intuition (I think I'll name him Django) is cunning. You might not notice him at first when you walk in the room, but he's always there. See, his primary objective isn't to be seen but to see. To the casual observer (the ones that notice him anyway) he might even appear "shady." He keeps to himself, but always has a twinkle in his eye and a mischievous smile (or is it a smirk) on his face. Like he knows something the rest of us don't. No matter how persuasive you are, he won't tell you how it knows it. But he's rarely wrong.

Just the other day I got together with Django for coffee. I was trying to sort through the junk in my head. Maybe it was a bit of a midlife crisis. Anyway, I needed to have a chat with someone. When I have a crisis in my life, it's usually rooted in something existential or metaphysical. And that's just what this was. I was fretting about what path to choose or how to know what God's will was for my life or something else like that. You know, the stuff that weighs me down that others just don't seem to get. I just couldn't collect enough data to make the decision easy. Of course, I never can.

Django sat back an listened, cool as can be. His dark eyes were full of compassion. His crooked smile betrayed his inner thoughts, though. He didn't need to hear me rambling on with all my worries, observations, and fears. He already knew the answer.

"Relax." He tells me.  Easy for him to say. "You know the answer, you always have." His zen mumbo-jumbo gets to me some times.

"But what if I take the wrong path? What if I make the wrong choice?" I blurt out a little too hastily. 

"Look. Your whole life has led up to this point. The path you take is determined by so much more than the observations you can bring to mind right now. You're prepared, you're ready. And you already know the path you need to take." 

"But what if I'm wrong? I could miss out on my destiny! Worse yet, I could anger God. If He's setting something up for me and I walk away...well, it could be bad." 

"Who do you think has been shaping you for this? When has God ever left your side? He's always been there and always will be. You've done some pretty stupid things in your life and He has stood by you through it all. He's directing your steps."

"But what if I'm following my own whims instead of His voice?" I cry out.

"You love God. You seek God. He loves you. Keep your eyes and your heart focused on Him and you can't make a bad choice. Trust Him and go with it. There are lives out there that need to be touched, people that need love and healing. There's a world out there to shake."

I sat back, out of words. I slowly sipped the last of my now cool mug of black, decaf coffee. Django met my hesitant gaze with a compassionate smile while he sipped his steaming Earl Grey. I can feel his words working in my heart, compelling me to move from thought into action.

I finally ask, "so, what's next?" 

"Go get 'em, Tiger"

5 year radius

Trust 30 day 8

"There will be an agreement in whatever variety of actions, so they be each honest and natural in their hour." - Ralph Waldo Emerson 

What would you say to the person you were five years ago? What will you say to the person you'll be in five years?

5 years ago:

Hey buddy, you always knew this day would come. I'm future you, coming back for a visit. Your life is going to take some incredible turns. To give anything away would spoil the surprise.  I wouldn't want to miss the beauty of letting life unfold. Persevere, appreciate the journey, and take a few more notes along the way.

5 years from now:

I know you were expecting this, but I wanted to drop by anyway. If you're anything like me you need a little encouragement right now. In life there is joy and there is pain, but the master's hand is guiding everything.  Sometimes it's hard to find the light, but it is always there. Read Philippians again.  Trust God, persevere, appreciate the journey, and take a few more notes than you have been.

Preparing To Live vs. Coming Alive

Trust 30 Writing Challenge : Day 6

Life wastes itself while we are preparing to live. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you had one week left to live, would you still be doing what you’re doing now? In what areas of your life are you preparing to live? Take them off your To Do list and add them to a To Stop list. Resolve to only do what makes you come alive.

Bonus: How can your goals improve the present and not keep you in a perpetual “always something better” spiral?

This may sound crazy but I've been through this exercise a few times.  I've applied it to my life.  I can't claim to have applied it perfectly, but a big part of my life is choosing to live deliberately.  That's why the kids don't play soccer.  That's why we don't have a million TV channels.  That's why, as a family, we chose to build relationships instead of seeking escapes from life.

The first time the writing bug hit me hard was right after my first son was born.  A big part of this was realizing that the hectic pace of life that I was already on was not the kind of life I wanted to live and wasn't what I wanted for my kids.  I looked at those around me that were on the same path and I realized I longed for something different.  "More stuff" wasn't the answer.  A bigger house or bigger paycheck wasn't going to bring happiness and the pursuit was killing me.  I was working for a hot company in a hot industry...the sky was the limit.  And I walked away.  Not in the sensible "I got a better job so I'm outta here" kind of way.  I simply walked away.  Sold the house and moved 250 miles north (back home).  Worked a few odd jobs and did a lot of manual labor while pretending to work on a novel.  Discovered I didn't have the self discipline to write professionally.

Returning to the workforce had its challenges, but it was done deliberately as well (if not quickly).  With the work I've done since then, I've been able to find a purpose to what I do.  I've been challenged and I've been able to develop some incredible relationships with people.  But even now, with my "dream job" in hand, I realize that this is part of a process.  I'm not working so that I can have more stuff, a shinier car, or a bigger house.  This job does not define me...it is a means, but that doesn't mean it's unnecessary.  For me to thrive at it I still need it to be full of significance, but I recognize now that what I do from 8 to 5 (or since I'm an IT Security guy it could actually include more than that) is possibly the least important part of my life.

So, if I had one week to live what would I stop doing?  Well, I wouldn't go to work...not because I dislike my job.  I've just got some vacation time coming and would spend my last week with friends and family as much as possible.  I'd actually volunteer some...the brief times I've spent with the homeless and hungry has been life altering and significant.  Yes, there are a few relationships that I'd try to improve/reconcile by openly sharing my heart.  I'd spend a lot of time strumming and singing, those times have always been so special.  I'd continue to pursue God until my dying breath.

And I'd write.  I have a couple of writing projects bouncing around in my head that I would like to leave to my kids.  I don't write to become rich or famous, I write because I must write.  I feel like my writing is raw and that I need a lot more practice.  I wouldn't get that in a week.  But to take this #Trust30 exercise and continue it will help me grow.  Pray that I get these projects out before my last seven days.

The truth is, and maybe it's the point of this exercise, but most of us never know when our last 7 will be.  It is likely that there are people out there tonight diligently working on their day 6 writing project that will not see day 7.  Life is all too brief to spend much time preparing to live.  Don't waste your life.  Just live.   And live deliberately.

#trust30 writing pledge

I stumbled upon Seth Godin's work about a year ago.  I found his perspective and vision inspiring.  Now he has challenged me to participate in a 30 day writing challenge. To be honest, he has no idea who I am, it was a email sent out to a ton of people, but I was on the list.  Finding the time to write has been a challenge for me, so my hope is that this throw-down will help me kick it into gear. More information can be found here:  http://ralphwaldoemerson.me/

God only knows what will come of this.  I know I am not qualified for this...I'm an IT guy not a "thought leader" or even a writer.  My blog is little more than an infrequently updated personal diary of my own spiritual walk. One of the inspirations for this challenge is Ralph Waldo Emerson's "Self Reliance" which is not exactly well accepted within the Christian community (then again, neither am I).  Not only that, I've spent the last few years giving up my "self reliance" and learning to rely wholly on Christ.  But I accept this challenge.  I accept it knowing that I do not rely on myself, but on God. 

It's about availability, not ability

I have a love/hate relationship with writing.  I love to write.  But my standard for myself is so high that I can't allow myself to write.  I am always waiting for the elusive perfect and unique collision of inspiration and availability.

During the year that I lead worship, I sent out a set list to the band every week.  The idea was that everyone would be on the same page showing up to practice, plus it allows us to connect during the week.  We were all so new to the experience, I thought I should send out some inspirational words...share some verses and maybe some of my own insight and observations.  This weekly email became something I had to do.  And I couldn't just leave it at the list of songs, I had to share more.  After a few months, I realized that I was doing a lot of writing...and that I was actually looking forward to sitting down and typing out those emails.  I might not have any idea of what I was going to say when I started, but I would find myself writing for hours sometimes.  And it wasn't because I was inspired, it was because I made the time.

My time as worship leader was up a few months ago and I've not written much since then.  I find myself in a place where I have many thoughts I need to work out and it seems writing is the only way for me to do that.  I can't seem to make the time.

One thing I love to do is teach.  I love the way the spirit inspires me every week, I love searching through God's word for more inspiration, and I love getting up and leading people to a new understanding of stories they thought they new.  More than anything, I love seeing Christ change lives.  Including my own, which He does every time I teach!  Win-win.  One of my biggest challenges is limiting how much I cover each week.  Every week my wife asks me how it's going and my response has been consistently the same "Way too much to cover, not enough time." Tonight, as I was down to the bottom of the second page of typing, I started to think..."what if I organized my thoughts and threw them onto the blog and then simplified what I taught."  That would allow the class to be a little more interactive and discussion-oriented while allowing me to hit all the points I wanted to hit (just not in class).

In the interest of staying out of the state of denial, I would like to acknowledge right here and now that I understand a few things about this blog:  1.) the only person that ever reads it is my wife, and she only reads it because I get cranky if she doesn't.  2.) most people out there aren't interested in my 1,000 word rambling about Elijah or any of my other ramblings.  But, I seem to have more in me than I can contain, so this blog will continue to function as mile markers along the road of my own spiritual growth and development.  If someone else finds it and gets something out of it, that'd be super too.