Listen

What does it all mean? That's the question that I keep asking myself. See, I'm on this strange journey of faith that has all kinds of twists and turns. As I walk down this road, I try to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit. I try to submit my will over to Him, to put myself aside and follow faith. He always "shows up" (note: that phrase bugs me...He's always here so how come we say He "shows up?") and something spectacular always happens.

I can be stubborn, though. One of my biggest struggles is one of discernment. I have a long and intimate relationship with doubt, my natural reaction is to question things. Because of this, there are two huge challenges for me in my deepening walk with Christ.

First, I doubt that I'm hearing "Him". It often comes on like a whisper, like a gentle nudge into a certain direction. It's kind of like this...you're driving down a highway on a long trip. It's straight and monotonous (I live in Oklahoma, there's a lot of highways like that around here). So you phase out a little bit. You don't notice everything around you. Suddenly there's an off-ramp. Is this my exit? You vaguely remember seeing a sign, but you weren't paying attention. Yet as your mind plays back the last few miles, you do recall the sign, the details come into a little bit sharper focus. Yes, this is your exit. But as you commit, as you pull off, you still wonder...was there really a sign? That is what I do when I first hear that whisper. I tend to keep cruising along, believing it's easier to turn around and come back than to bother slowing down. So I doubt that the sign was there, and I keep cruising along.

Second, I can't tell if it's "my will" or His. Do I have the thoughts running around in my head in order to indulge or satisfy my own glory? I'm not one that believes God will smite me if I take a wrong turn, but when it's something big I'd sure rather be doing it for His will than mine!

Right now I'm stuck. I have something big going down. Something life changing, the kind of thing I don't mind doing in order to honor God, to change the world. It requires stepping out of my comfort zone, to completely shake up this life that I'm used to and relatively comfortable in. That's not quite right...really, I feel like I live outside my comfort zone because of my desire to follow Him. This would be huge, though. And, I've passed enough road signs to be relatively sure that this is the exit I need to take. But am I supposed to let it unfold, or I am I supposed to push it along. Is this the time to stand in faith or press forward through the obstacles?

Since action can be tough (and final) my inclination is to say it's time to wait. That's the more prudent thing to do. Don't rush into anything. Spend more time in prayer, wait for additional guidance. But, to paraphrase what happened in the book of Joshua, sometimes God has already given me all the direction He needs to and then it's time to get up off my knees and act. Am I there?

Be Still

Surely everyone is familiar with the verse from Psalm 46:10, "Be still, and know that I am God."  I've seen it printed on everything from hot pads to t-shirts.  Be still.  That's not the pace my life runs at.  It's not just that I don't have time to "Be still" it's that I don't think I remember how.

Why?  Why are we supposed to take the time to be still and know that He is God?  I mean, I'm living my life for Him already, right?  I am a living sacrifice.  I've surrendered my life to Him to be used as He sees fit.  I worship Him and lead others into worship as well.  So, why the need to be still?

Life is chaotic.  With two kids (soccer, school, etc), both parents working full time (or more), dedication to multiple roles in multiple ministries...yeah, life is just a little hectic.  It's easy to get caught up in the busy-ness of life.  Sometimes it feels like I'm hanging on by a thread, like one more source of stress, irritation, or even resentment, will cause something to come crashing down.  It might cause everything to come crashing down.  

One verse earlier in the Bible, it says "He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth."  Psalm 46 starts with "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore, we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the hearth of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging."    I believe wars are more common than just Iraq or Afghanistan.  Wars happen every day, between friends, co-workers, family members, spouses...any place there is a relationship between two people a war can break out.  Yet He can make wars cease.  He can eliminate the conflict in my life (and yours).  He also can be a refuge.  I like the sound of that.  I envision that as Jesus physically holding and comforting me during my trials.  All I have to do is turn to Him.

When we're caught in the middle of this storm of chaos and confusion, it can be difficult to hear God.  It can be difficult to trust Him to come through for us.  When I'm overwhelmed, I think about everything I should be doing and how I can get it done..more lists, more coffee, less sleep, get this done, get that done.  It's all up to me.  When I take time to be still, that is when I pray.  That is when my soul opens up to Him.  I see and know that He is more powerful than any stress in my life.  He can move mountains, He can deliver entire nations from annihilation.  It is in stillness and in prayer that I can open myself up and let go.  I see that the chaos in my life is insignificant when compared to His glory.  

In one famous passage of the old testament, God spoke in a whisper that followed a chaotic storm.  I urge you, listen for that whisper.  You may have to be still to hear it, so find a moment and carve out some peace.  Open up to Him, and listen.

Be still.  He is God.

Running the Race

I received an email this week from the trip coordinator with Living Water.  She sent me a list of open dates, which is exciting.  As the trip becomes more real, my feelings are different than I expected.  I anticipated anxiety and doubt.  Instead I'm filled with excitement, anticipation, and eagerness.  Even some degree of impatience.

These past few months have been an exercise in continually turning every aspect of my life over to Jesus.  All in all life has been better than I could have ever hoped for.  There have been challenges, and those are getting easier to let go of, to let Christ work.  I have found that this can be harder during the good times than in the bad, although letting go is almost never my first reaction in any situation.  It is only through this continual act of letting go that life seems to make sense.  As much as I want to control my life and as much as I want to take credit for the good things that come my way, I know that without my savior, none of this would come to pass.  Life wouldn't have the meaning it has now and nothing would be as sweet.

As the trip has grown closer and things start falling in to place, others are catching some of the excitement as well.  I have a lot of friends that would love to come with me.  Making a difference in the world in the name of Christ is something many of my friends are drawn to, and I consider myself blessed to be surround by people like this.  One of my brothers in Christ has committed to come with me, he is seeking financial help for the trip right now.  I'm so thrilled that I will have a companion on the trip to share in the experience.  I'm sure in a far away land it will be wonderful to have a familiar face nearby.

It looks like we'll be going sometime in February or March.  We haven't gotten together to finalize a date yet, but I hope to do that this week.  Then the countdown begins.

As always, if you'd like to help out there are two immediate ways:

1. Pray for us.  Pray that all obstacles are removed from our path.  Pray that our hearts stay focused on God and that every aspect of this trip be centered around Christ.  I truly treasure your prayers and I would be honored to be a part of them.
2. Financial support.  This is a mission trip and it isn't free.  Christy and I have made financial commitments that we will not break.  We're on a financial plan that has us paying down debt.  When I started the journey toward this trip, we agreed that all money that we put toward the trip would come from sources outside our budget.  We've had a garage sale, I've asked for cash to put toward the trip for every special occasion (birthday, father's day, even our anniversary).  Between the generosity of my friends and family and through our own diligence, I'm pretty close to my financial goals.  My friend still has a long way to go, and any donations would be appreciated for him.  As our "stretch" goal, if a lot of money suddenly comes in, I'd love to take Christy along as well.

That's the update for now.  School starts soon and I'm starting a new job too, so if my ramblings today are a bit chaotic I apologize.  I'm continuing to run the race, even when it's uphill and hot.  Thanks for coming along!