Fault and Change

Trust 30, Day 32 (prompt by Carlos Miceli)

I must be myself. I cannot break myself any longer for you, or you. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Think of all the things that are not working in your life. That job you don’t like, that relationship that’s not working, those friends that annoy you. Now turn them all on you. Imagine that everything that’s not working in your life, is your fault. How would you approach it? What would you work on to change your life to the state that you want it to be?

I'll turn this question back around...instead of looking at whose fault it is, remember who has the power to break out of the situations that aren't working. Ultimately we're looking for a resolution, not to assign blame. Who cares who is at fault, let's find out who can change things and then fix them.

Starting from there and revisiting both the Emerson quote and the question, let's assume the power is within me. If the power is within me, what would I work on to change my life to the state I want it to be in?

The most important thing is to determine where I want to go. One of my favorite authors and speakers often says that your direction determines your destination (Andy Stanley). Another way of saying this is that I need to begin with the end in mind (Stephen Covey).

Right now I have a general idea of where I want to be. It's a place that is flexible...the most important components are that it be a life that is family focused. It also allows for life to unfold at a non-traditional pace, leaving space for relationships and creativity to breath. There would be plenty of time for the important things...connecting with others, reading, writing, and music. I know this sounds utopian and naive...a couple of my strongest character traits. But once the destination is determined, the direction becomes clearer. Once the direction is clear, action becomes easier.

I'm already taking steps to get there...paying off debt is huge. Without the monthly outflow of cash to debt there is much more flexibility in employment options. As long as I'm a slave to lifestyle, I must keep pushing to earn more, more, more. That's not for me. That lifestyle is full of busy-ness and empty of significance.

With the appropriate goal in mind, it's also important to never compromise my vision. Every day there are innumerable challenges that call for compromise. It is much more likely to be defeated one little piece at a time than it is to be suddenly overcome. So it's a delicate walk...live authentically and uncompromised while fitting into symbiotic relationships with others, sharing with them what is necessary.

So what needs to change? Rededication? A reminder of the goal,an adjustment of perspective. A realization that this is a long, slow road and that patience and persistence can be much more helpful than busy-ness and frenetic energy. Trust that the path I'm on leads to where I want to go.

Image

Trust 30, Day 31 (prompt by Matthew Stillman)

Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Mess up your hair. If you are wearing makeup – smudge it. If you have a pair of pants that dont really fit you – put them on. Put on a top that doesn’t go with those pants. Go to your sock drawer. Pull out two socks that don’t match. Different lengths, materials, colors, elasticity.
Now two shoes. You know the drill.
Need to add more? Ties? Hair clips? Stick your gut out? I trust you to go further.
Take a picture.
Get ready to post it online.
Are you feeling dread? Excitement? Is this not the image you have of yourself? Write about the fear or the thrill that this raises in you? Who do you need to look good for and what story does it tell about you? Or why don’t you care?

I fall in the category of "I don't care." If you've read much of my blog you know by now that one of my biggest frustrations in life is the masks people wear. Appearances. My deep desire is to relate to people more sincerely and more deeply than appearances can take me.

I'm going on a mission trip to Brazil in less than a month. Where I'm from, our in-state college football rivalry is a big deal. A really, really big deal. People are so serious about it they name their kids after coaches and players. So when a friend donated some cash to the trip and gave me a hat from the "other" team (the one I didn't graduate from), what did I do? I took a picture of me in the hat and posted it on facebook. That's kind of the okie equivalent to mismatched shoes or smudged makeup in other circles. Yet I do it with joy...if it can help break down artificial walls, I'm all about it. If I can do something counter-cultural as a way to point out the silly things we tend to idolize, bring it on. Image is nothing, show me your heart. That's where things get real. That's where things actually matter.

10 Year Text

Trust 30 : Day 30 (prompt by Tia Singh)

Speak what you think now in hard words, and tomorrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said today. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Imagine your future self, ie, you 10 years from now. If he/she were to send you a tweet or text message, 1) what would it say and 2) how would that transform your life or change something you’re doing, thinking, believing or saying today?

Be bold. It's worth it. God is with you.

Overcoming Uncertainty

Trust 30 : Day 29 (prompt by Sean Ogle)

Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. Nothing can bring you peace but the triumph of principles. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Write down a major life goal you have yet to achieve or even begin to take action on. For each goal, write down three uncertainties (read: fears) you have relating to each goal. Break it down further, and write down three reasons for each uncertainty. When you have three reasons for your fear, you’ll be able to start processing the change because you know where the fear stems from. Now you’ll be able to make a smaller changes that push you towards your larger goal. So begins the process of “trusting yourself.”

All the life goal that haven't yet achieved fall into one of two categories:

1. Those that I know but haven't realized. These are unrealized because they require patience. Some things take time to unfold. So, I am being patient while I prepare.
2. Those that I don't know but will realize. These are things that are beyond my comprehension right now that will come to pass anyway. Some of these I will see coming and some I won't. 

For all my life goals there are two key components...patience and trust in God. So I'm keeping my eyes on Him and just enjoying the ride. Trust in myself? Hope in myself? His plans are so much better than mine!

Alive-est

Trust 30 : Day 28 (prompt by Sam Davidson)

Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind. If we follow the truth, it will bring us out safe at last. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

When did you feel most alive recently? Where were you? What did you smell? What sights and sounds did you experience? Capture that moment on paper and recall that feeling. Then, when it’s time to create something, read your own words to reclaim a sense of being to motivate you to complete a task at hand.

I've mentioned a few times how crazy and incredible the last few years have been. Beyond words. All because God has been shaping and using me in incredible ways. When I compare my "before God" and "since God" lives, they hardly even compare. But alive? When have I felt the most alive? That's kind of odd.

I didn't grow up going to church much. Of course, growing up in Oklahoma I went some, but it never was an integral part of my life. So, true confession time here, I don't know how to "do" Sunday School. Yet here I am teaching it. It's been a very unusually collision of circumstances that have led me here.

When I was in the first phases of discovering Christ, I started attending this class. It was open and honest...about as close to a "mask-free" environment as I've ever seen. It wasn't very structured and I learned a lot. I grew to know and love the other people in the class. And then I felt the call...the call to do more, the call to give more, the call to serve more. There were a few transitions and I had the opportunity to teach a little. It was terrifying. Some times it was exhausting. But more often than not, I felt "filled" after teaching.

More recently, things have changed again. Since the beginning of 2010 I've been the "primary" teacher in the class. In a way, I've been casting the vision for the class. When my turn to teach comes up, I never seem to have trouble coming up with things to teach about. The Bible is so full, so rich, it seems to be an endless supply. Each week I have the honor of pursuing God on my own, listening for Him to guide me in a topic, and then presenting it to an amazing group of people. We still try to stay open and honest. We try to stay humble. We work on focusing on God, above everything else. I believe we're on a solid path of spiritual growth.

But this feeling of "being alive..." If there's something that's the opposite of stage fright, that's what happens after class. For example, this week the lesson has stuck with me. It keeps echoing back into my life. I'm seeing new facets of it that we didn't get to explore and I'm reflecting on all that we were able to cover. And I'm humbled. I'm amazed. I'm in awe of God. He's using me. Again. And it's awesome. Then I reflect on who I was and on who am I, and I'm humbled again. The fact that God would choose to use me for anything is amazing. The fact that He was able to somehow--beyond all hope, logic, or reason-- He was able to turn my face toward Himself. That He continues to pour His spirit into me, allowing me to continue gazing in His direction, continue learning, sharing, and serving...that makes me feel alive.

Personal Recipe

Trust 30 : Day 27 (Prompt by Harley Schreiber)

I do not wish to expiate, but to live. My life is for itself and not for a spectacle. I much prefer that it should be of a lower strain, so it be genuine and equal, than that it should be glittering and unsteady. I wish it to be sound and sweet, and not to need diet and bleeding. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Think about the type of person you’d NEVER want to be 5 years from now. Write out your own personal recipe to prevent this from happening and commit to following it. “Thought is the seed of action.”

I don't want to be one of the living dead. It seems so many people seek to tune out life. Whether it's television, internet, drugs, the bar scene, or anything else, people seem to be constantly striving to escape. To be honest, I feel that same call. I've given in to it before. On one hand life seems so much simpler if the primary purpose of it is to stay gratified. You put in your time at work, grab some fast food on the way home, and then veg all night. Next day is the same as the last. Repeat as necessary. Retire. Die, having never lived. Frankly, that's the path of least resistance. Living like this doesn't anger anyone, but there is no positive purpose in it either.

Here's a quick recipe:

1. Openly and passionately pursue truth. Don't stop when it gets comfortable, keep pushing until your dying breath.
2. Reach out to others. Staying engaged with other helps maintain perspective and keep you honest. 
3. Always keep learning.
4. Never be afraid to help someone else out.
5. Choose to love.

Call To Arms

Trust 30 : Day 26 (prompt by Sasha Dichter)

The secret of fortune is joy in our hands. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

What if today, right now, no jokes at all, you were actually in charge, the boss, the Head Honcho. Write the “call to arms” note you’re sending to everyone (staff, customers, suppliers, Board) charting the path ahead for the next 12 months and the next 5 years. Now take this manifesto, print it out somewhere you can see, preferably in big letters you can read from your chair.

You’re just written your own job description. You know what you have to do. Go!

Let us do nothing out of hate, malice, anger, or vengeance. Let our lives and everything in them be shaped by love. In ever situation let us strive to do the right thing, and in a way that doesn't tear anyone down but only lifts them up.

Christ has called us to be His hands and feet, continuing His work here on earth. He has called us to comfort the afflicted, feed the hungry, free those that are in chains, and provide for widows and orphans. I believe if we unite and take this call seriously we would see humanity transformed in less than a generation.

People are desperately looking for a savior. In America, more and more it is the role of the government to feed the needy and help the broken. Many Christians I know believe the growth of government is a horrible thing. They spend many hours in fruitless worry and frustration, fretting about what this politician or that politician is doing. But what if we stopped looking to the politicians? What if we stop focusing on what Thomas Jefferson said and instead focused on the vision Christ had for humanity? What if we let that guide our lives?

According to Wikipedia, there are approximately 2.2 Billion Christians on earth. If you self-identify as a Christian, you believe God sent His son Jesus to earth to save humanity. We all agree on that. Whether we do or don't dance or drink; whether we wear suits or shorts to church; whether we rock out or chant acappela in worship -- we are one body united in Christ. We are diverse, there is no doubt. And we are all called to serve Him. If even a small percentage of us united around this fact, we could shake the earth.

Imagine a country where food stamps weren't needed because "the church" not only fed the hungry but lifted them out of their situation in love, helping them find new life and purpose here on earth. Imagine a country where medicare wasn't necessary because the church provided for the medical needs of the old and ill. Imagine a country where those that lost their employment were taken in by the church, helped along, and retrained for a new vocation. Imagine a country where the church was so full of love and faith that there were no orphans or foster children because there were so many loving families willing to take them in. There are already Christian organizations doing each of these things, making a real difference. They are generally under-funded and under-publicized, but the framework is already there. 

What if we spent our time and money doing all these things in a way characterized with love, compassion, and joy? What if we used our "time, treasure, and talent" for this instead of on tracts and superficial outreach? What would it say about our church if outsiders were drawn to it because they see the good work we are doing, the real difference we are making and they want to be a part of it? What if we actually welcomed in the non-believers, the "sinners," and those that normally feel out of place in church to serve along side us?

I believe this is not only possible, but essential. I believe we are called to live united. Let us break down the walls that divide us. If we stopped focusing on our differences so much, we would realize that we have much in common. Let's unite and conquer.

Most Ordinary

Trust 30 : Day 25 (prompt by Patti Digh)

Good and bad are but names very readily transferable to that or this; the only right is what is after my constitution, the only wrong what is against it. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

We are our most potent at our most ordinary. And yet most of us discount our “ordinary” because it is, well, ordinary. Or so we believe. But my ordinary is not yours. Three things block us from putting down our clever and picking up our ordinary: false comparisons with others (I’m not as good a writer as _____), false expectations of ourselves (I should be on the NYTimes best seller list or not write at all), and false investments in a story (it’s all been written before, I shouldn’t bother). What are your false comparisons? What are your false expectations? What are your false investments in a story? List them. Each keep you from that internal knowing about which Emerson writes. Each keeps you from making your strong offer to the world. Put down your clever, and pick up your ordinary.

I relate to that "ordinary" feeling quite a bit. I have trouble seeing anything that I do as unique. If I can do it, anybody can, right? What's been eye opening for me is to see this in my kids too. There are things they do that are so exceptional that they disregard or under value. This isn't an indication that there's anything wrong with them...I believe it's our nature.

But to turn the lamp back to me... Jon Acuff has done a good job at fleshing this out in his blog (here) and his book "Quitter." He illuminated for me the fact that I tend to compare my "beginning" to other peoples' "middle." I look at a successfully author or visionary leader and compare their work to my own. Never mind the fact that they've been working at it for 20 years or more and I'm just ramping up. I neglect that fact. So my false expectation tends to be that I can sit down and write one thing (novel, essay, song) and it will "be enough." I tend to think my first novel will be my best one. I forget that in every other area of life, more experience ends up producing better results.

My challenge is twofold. The most important, at this point, is time in the seat. Practice, practice, practice. That has been the best part of this Trust 30 challenge. It's forcing me to write. I'm learning how to steal moments here and there. To write a little and come back later without losing my thought. Previously I felt I had to carve out a substantial block of uniteruptable time so that my ideas wouldn't fly away. I still prefer solitude, but I can manage without it.

I do believe I have a unique voice and perspective, but that I haven't quite fleshed out exactly what it is yet. That's the second part of my challenge...finding that voice that will ring through consistently in everything I write and do.

Here's to being ordinary.

Intuition

Trust 30 : Day 24 (prompt by Susan Piver)

The secret of fortune is joy in our hands. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you could picture your intuition as a person, what would he or she look like? If you sat down together for dinner, what is the first thing he or she would tell you?

My intuition (I think I'll name him Django) is cunning. You might not notice him at first when you walk in the room, but he's always there. See, his primary objective isn't to be seen but to see. To the casual observer (the ones that notice him anyway) he might even appear "shady." He keeps to himself, but always has a twinkle in his eye and a mischievous smile (or is it a smirk) on his face. Like he knows something the rest of us don't. No matter how persuasive you are, he won't tell you how it knows it. But he's rarely wrong.

Just the other day I got together with Django for coffee. I was trying to sort through the junk in my head. Maybe it was a bit of a midlife crisis. Anyway, I needed to have a chat with someone. When I have a crisis in my life, it's usually rooted in something existential or metaphysical. And that's just what this was. I was fretting about what path to choose or how to know what God's will was for my life or something else like that. You know, the stuff that weighs me down that others just don't seem to get. I just couldn't collect enough data to make the decision easy. Of course, I never can.

Django sat back an listened, cool as can be. His dark eyes were full of compassion. His crooked smile betrayed his inner thoughts, though. He didn't need to hear me rambling on with all my worries, observations, and fears. He already knew the answer.

"Relax." He tells me.  Easy for him to say. "You know the answer, you always have." His zen mumbo-jumbo gets to me some times.

"But what if I take the wrong path? What if I make the wrong choice?" I blurt out a little too hastily. 

"Look. Your whole life has led up to this point. The path you take is determined by so much more than the observations you can bring to mind right now. You're prepared, you're ready. And you already know the path you need to take." 

"But what if I'm wrong? I could miss out on my destiny! Worse yet, I could anger God. If He's setting something up for me and I walk away...well, it could be bad." 

"Who do you think has been shaping you for this? When has God ever left your side? He's always been there and always will be. You've done some pretty stupid things in your life and He has stood by you through it all. He's directing your steps."

"But what if I'm following my own whims instead of His voice?" I cry out.

"You love God. You seek God. He loves you. Keep your eyes and your heart focused on Him and you can't make a bad choice. Trust Him and go with it. There are lives out there that need to be touched, people that need love and healing. There's a world out there to shake."

I sat back, out of words. I slowly sipped the last of my now cool mug of black, decaf coffee. Django met my hesitant gaze with a compassionate smile while he sipped his steaming Earl Grey. I can feel his words working in my heart, compelling me to move from thought into action.

I finally ask, "so, what's next?" 

"Go get 'em, Tiger"

Courage to Connect

Trust 30 : Day 23 (prompt by David Spinks)

Men imagine that they communicate their virtue or vice only by overt actions, and do not see that virtue or vice emit a breath every moment. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Who is one person that you’ve been dying to connect with, but just haven’t had the courage to reach out to? First, reflect on why you want to get in touch with them. Then, reach out and set up a meeting.

Many parts of life are composed of the competing forces of wants and needs. Often our wants overshadow our needs, stealing our focus and taking our eyes of what it truly important.

When it comes to connecting with others, I tend to allow this to happen. Through the wonders of technology I feel connected to and influenced by many people who have no idea who I am (and probably never will). I think about how great it would be to be in a small group with Andy Stanley. To have Matt Chandler or Francis Chan as a spiritual mentor. To jam with David Crowder. With each of these people (and so many more) it doesn't matter if I reach out to them, they aren't in my circle of interaction and I'm not in theirs. These connections are wants, not needs.

No, the truly courageous connections fall into the category of needs. The wants are safe. Since the likelihood of coming to fruition is so small, they can safely be dreamed about endlessly with little to no risk. But when it comes to connecting with people that are in my circle of interaction, well...that gets a little scary. The consequences are real. The possibility of rejection is real. Since success is an option, failure is also an option. And that fear of failure can be paralyzing.

So who do I want to connect with? I'd love for my dad to know how much he is loved and appreciated. I'd love to have a running dialog on things like perspectives on fatherhood and marriage. The meaning of life, metaphysics, achievement, and significance. You know, letting conversations unfold without necessarily worrying about who is right and who is wrong. But I think we both shy away because we think we won't agree on anything. We both really like to be right. Plus, it's hard to know where to start for both of us.

My mom. I'd love to connect with her in a new way. A way that is free of the pressures of performance. A way that encourages stillness and a genuine connection. Let's talk about love, relationships, spirituality. The legacies that were handed to us and the legacy we leave others. Let's reminisce about old times and look forward to future memories with eager anticipation.

And my dear sister. On the surface it appears we are likely to agree on very little. But deep down we have so much in common...we grew up in the same house, same parents, same relatives. From the same blood. Beneath the layers we've built up around us, at the core we're got to be so alike. It can be hard to let down the walls and let a true connection happen. And like any relationship, it can't happen until both are ready and willing.

So, when do I set the appointment? And how?

Enthusiasm

Trust 30 : Day 22 (prompt by Mars Dorian)

Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.” is a great line from Emerson. If there’s no enthusiasm in what you do, it won’t be remarkable and certainly won’t connect with people on an emotional basis. But, if you put that magic energy into all of your work, you can create something that touches people on a deeper level. How can you bring MORE enthusiasm into your work? What do you have to think or believe about your work to be totally excited about it? Answer it now.

Once again I risk falling into the realm of cliche, which I typically try to avoid, but nothing creates more enthusiasm for me than following God's will. I realize this makes no sense to a lot of people. It's just...I've had my own hopes and dreams for most of my life and they all pale in comparison to what I've seen God do in the past few years.

I find that this naturally touches people on a deeper level as it grows. Lives are transformed, relationships reconciled, and the past is overcome. The energy and enthusiasm generated from following God's will cascades from more to more as it is experienced. It does have enemies, though.

The first is nostalgia. By this I mean clinging to what God has done instead of what He has yet to do. Many people have a profound spiritual experience and then spend the rest of their lives resting on it. It's not unlike an athlete that throws a perfect game in high school and spends the rest of his life reliving that same memory. It was an incredible accomplishment, but it's causing the present to stagnate and the future to die. It's important always be looking forward with eager anticipation to what God has planned for us next. As long as we're breathing there is more for us to do.

The second is fear of abandonment. Even though I know God has done tremendous things for me and through me, I fear that He is finished with me. This anxiety causes me to doubt the calling I hear. It undermines the work that is left to be done.

The third is fear of the unknown. That is, we fear what God has planned for us next. This is the "what if" game. What if God wants me to sell my house? What if He wants me to move to another country? What if He wants me to quit my job and live as a homeless person? I'm comforable with what God has done in my so far because I know how it has turned out. Sometimes it's tempting to stop seeking His will because we don't want to turn into one of "those people." You might know the type...totally sold out to Christ like nothing on this earth really matters.  Weird.

So, what do I need to think or believe about my work to be totally excited about it? I need to believe that God put me here for a reason. That through Him the purpose will be revealed. When it's time to move on, He will make it abundantly clear.

You Know

Trust 30 : Day 21 (prompt by Jen Louden)

Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind. Absolve you to yourself, and you shall have the suffrage of the world. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

For today, trying asking yourself often, especially before you make a choice, “What do I know about this?”

Once again I'm not sure I can find the writing prompt in this one.  But I'll address a few things that I know...

I know that I have spent my life living deliberately. I do often ask myself what I know about many things before attempting them or asking others (I hate to call tech support). As a result, I have stored up a lot of experience-based knowledge. I don't claim to be 100% right, just 100% sincere. And that's enough.  I know I'd rather live and interact with people that are sincere than correct.

The truth I know that is the undercurrent of my entire life is that the truth matters. People matter. Communication is important. It's more important to listen than to be heard when building relationships. Masks make us feel protected but really they isolate us. Deep down no one wants to be isolated, but also deep down no one wants to be hurt.

Speak Less

Trust 30 : Day 20 (prompt by Laura Kimball)

What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and in intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder, because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know I. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I once received a fortune cookie that read: “Speak less of your plans, you’ll get more done.” What’s one project that you’ve been sitting on and thinking about but haven’t made progress on? What’s stopping you? What would happen if you actually went for it and did it?

From an early age I have wanted to be a college professor. It was always something I wanted to do "once I got old." I had this mental image of a tweed sports jacket with elbow patches, maybe a pipe too. And a globe, definitely a globe. In my mind I'd be a professor of philosophy. 

In reality, I went a more technical route. It's not that I gave up on that idea, but I had other plans for the time until I got old. I knew at some point I could take a few more classes, start working toward an advance degree. Then, when the hustle and bustle got old, I'd start teaching a class here and there. 

So, based on that dream, my "one project I've been sitting on" would be working toward the elbow patches. To be that kind of instructor "then" I need to start working on that degree "now." Things have changed, though. Now I've got this obsession with God that's shaping my life. What I find fascinating is that this new relationship hasn't really changed that mental image, I just see me teaching religious studies or a similar topic. 

My biggest obstacle is my previous experiences with formal education. I've spent enough time in school that I have a mental image of what it will be like to go back. I believe I have an understanding of what kinds of things I can expect to learn (and not learn) there. I have an idea of what kind of people I will (and won't) meet there. I desire knowledge, wisdom, and depth of understanding. I'm not confident I can get it there.

So...I have made a deliberate choice to increase the scope of my personal studies. I guess I'm going to self-educate. Someday I may take classes. But I don't think I need to go back to school to get an education. And I don't think I need an advanced degree (or tweed jacket) to be a teacher.

Facing (and Fearing)

Trust 30 : Day 19 (prompt by Dan Andrews)

Greatness appeals to the future. If I can be firm enough to-day to do right, and scorn eyes, I must have done so much right before as to defend me now. Be it how it will, do right now. Always scorn appearances, and you always may. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Trusting intuition and making decisions based on it is the most important activity of the creative artist and entrepreneur. If you are facing (and fearing) a difficult life decision, ask yourself these three questions... (please see original prompt for full text of the questions)

I'm not sure I can discern the writing prompt in this one. I will attempt to answer the three questions and base it on the dreams and goals I wrote about in the past could of prompts. Here goes...

1.) "What are the costs of inaction?"
In the case of the dreams I have, they all center on one thing...trust God. More than anything in life, I seek to follow God's will above all else. I hate religious cliches. I feel like when I say something "churchy" people tune out. In the past few years, though, the times that make sense in life--the times that have had the most significance--are the time I was close to God. And when I am close to God, I listen to and follow His will, not mine. When I try to force the future then I lose sight of Him. When I focus on Him, the future unfolds. So, the cost of inaction, based on my personal experience, results in a time of building. Times of inaction are times of preparation. Inaction can be one of the greatest parts of your dream. It is this patient persistence that develops you into the person that is ready to inact out the dream. Once the time is right.

2.) "What kind of person do I want to be?"
I want to run the race, fight the good fight. When I die, I want people to say that my life was lived in a way that proved that I loved God. I want to be a good father and husband. If I have God and my family in the right place in life, the rest doesn't matter so much.

3.) "In the event of failure, could i generate an alternative positive outcome?"
Yes, God works through all things. The things that look like failure today are preparation for greater things to come. Trusting God is always a positive outcome.

Trust 30 - Interlude

I signed up for the Trust 30 challenge enthusiastically. I enjoy writing and really thrived on the daily deadlines. I've fallen behind lately and have been trying to decide whether to catch up or not. See, I appreciate what they're trying to do. And I know I need to write. I try really hard not to complain much, I'm just so good at it.

The last week's worth of writing prompts have been challenging. They haven't been challenging in the way they were meant to be. My life hasn't been changed by thinking about them. I'm not thinking of things in new ways, not getting new perspectives. And I haven't been writing about the things I'd love to write about. I guess that's the biggest thing for me. The prompts I've been able to pull out of the last week's posts have felt like I've been covering the same ground over and over (and over and over). When I reflect on all the prompts and what I've written, it feels a lot like literary self-gratification. Write about yourself, go deeper into yourself, give yourself a pep talk. As you can tell from my previous writings, I'm just not that into me.

So, we'll see what the future holds...I'd like to go ahead and finish the Trust 30 challenge simply because I like to finish what I start. I've got some work to do to catch up, but I needed this interlude.

The best part of the Trust30 challenge for me has been discovering a few other excellent blogs:
Jeremy
Lili
Beth

Dreams

Trust 30 : Day 18 (prompt by Michael Rad)

Abide in the simple and noble regions of thy life, obey thy heart. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Write down your top three dreams. Now write down what’s holding you back from them.

Dreams:

1. Impact the world in Christ's name
2. Raise my kids well...to be men with strong character and strong minds.
3. Love my wife continually and deeply 

Holding me back: there is truly less holding me back today then ever before.

Invent the Future

Trust 30 : Day 17 (prompt by Cindy Gallop)

A man should learn to detect and watch that gleam of light which flashes across his mind from within, more than the lustre of the firmament of bards and sages. Yet he dismisses without notice his thought, because it is his. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

My favorite quote of all time is Alan Kay: ‘In order to predict the future, you have to invent it.’ I am all about inventing the future. Decide what you want the future to be and make it happen. Because you can. Write about your future now.

My future is peaceful. I envision having a family run business that allows each of us to work together for something bigger than what we could accomplish on our own. But the business doesn't run our lives, we don't live for it. It's still just a means. It brings us together and allows us to each bring our own unique talents to the table. It allows everyone to contribute and flourish.

Without going into too many specifics about type of business, I'll have some time to read a little, write a little, strum a little, teach a little, and talk to strangers. It will be a safe harbor for those seeking sanity. It will be a place people can come to when they're searching for help. Whether someone needs a full belly or full mind, this will be a place to be filled. Yes, this place will be founded on Christ and centered on Christ, but in a way that is welcoming to everyone, regardless of their religious beliefs or the state of their lives. It will be a reflection of His love, where everyone is wanted and welcome.

Wholly Strange and New

Trust30 : Day 16

When good is near you, when you have life in yourself, it is not by any known or accustomed way; you shall not discern the foot-prints of any other; you shall not see the face of man; you shall not hear any name;—— the way, the thought, the good, shall be wholly strange and new. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Can you remember a moment in your life when you had life in yourself and it was wholly strange and new? Can you remember the moment when you stopped walking a path of someone else, and started cutting your own?

Write about that moment. And if you haven’t experienced it yet, let the miracle play out in your mind’s eye and write about that moment in your future.

The sweetest moments like this in life are the ones that are unexpected. As I matured out of my late 20s and into my early 30s I mellowed a bit. I unplugged and allowed myself to explore life differently than I had been. There was almost a Zen-like detachment as I simply experienced the world around me. I let life unfold. And then the idea of God finally started making sense on a different level than ever before.


So I started going to church. It was an adventure...or maybe even more like a quest.  I really don't think I ever intended to stay. It was a stop along the way during my pursuit of enlightenment. 


Honestly, it was culture shock for quite awhile. I've got questions and I was looking for answers, but I'm not the type to be rude or demanding about it. But I was on a quest. My behavior ranged from "ok, so we're going to church, what do I have to stop doing?" to "um, why are we drinking grape juice?" I've never been a conformist and I wasn't about to start new habits up (or abandon old ones) without understanding why.


Then, suddenly, there was this shift. I remember coming home and talking to Sweetie about these things I was trying to wrap my head around. Crazy ideas like "if you want to live, you must die to yourself. If you want to lead, serve. To have life, give your life away. To be significant, stop pursuing your own interests." These were not only new concepts to me, but they didn't make any sense at all and they were counter to all the beliefs I held so dear for all my life.


But that shift happened. No, it wasn't brainwashing by anyone at the church. There was a click and it snapped into focus. I had a new perspective that wasn't available to me previously. I believe God revealed it to me.


The old me would say that this isn't a "new path" at all. This is conforming to the brainwashing that happens when one is abducted and indoctrinated. The new me, however, remains painfully aware of my entire life up to this point. I'm not easily brainwashed. I believe the walk I took into this life of faith is uniquely me and mine. In fact, I believe we each have a unique quest that we're on, pursuing God while He pursues us. It's a beautiful dance. As long as we keep up the pursuit, we will find Him. Just like every marriage, every parent-child relationship, and every friendship is different, everyone's path to and relationship with God takes on a different flavor. It's the tapestry of these adventures that weave a beautiful masterpiece.


Unfortunate disclaimer: please don't think that I'm saying any form of spirituality is fine. I believe in one God, that He is more than enough for all of us. There are many false paths, but one true God. My point is that if you continue to pursue, you will find Him.

One Thing

Trust30 Day 15

Do your work, and I shall know you. Do your work, and you shall reinforce yourself. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Take a moment, step back from your concerns, and focus on one thing…

I have two incredible kids. This isn't just the typical fatherhood bias either. I've known a lot of people in my time, and these two are beyond description. I thank God that He put them in my life. I'd love to take the credit for how wonderful they are, but I'm wise enough to know that I can't. It's God's hand that has shaped them into fine young men.

For my "one shot," I abandoned things like becoming a mutli-millionaire, owning an exotic car, and many professional achievements long ago. I've discovered that the impact I would like to leave on the world is through the people I meet. Love God, love others.

My two sons are first and foremost on my list. Being a father to them, helping to shape them into men, is an art form. Staying involved but giving them room to grow. Guiding their interests without forcing them into mine. Teaching them to love God without teaching them to hate church. Without brainwashing. Encouraging their questions. Always taking time to listen, respecting them as the people that they are. Delighting in their interests. Being proud of them and loving them, no matter what.

So where does it stop? If I've been blessed with these two...if I feel that the most significant thing I've done in life is raising these two...doesn't it make sense to have more?

I used to fear that adding another to the mix would upset the chemistry. It'd be harmful to the two that I already have and love so much. I also fear that I'm too old. I'm very good at calculating how old I'd be when the next one made it out of high school. I can think of a million more reasons not to dream of this. But then there's the love.

The love. Sweetie and I had a conversation years ago about this. That is one thing we feel we do well. And it's what is missing from the lives of so many kids. If God gave us this capacity for love, shouldn't we use it? We know we have enough love for more. We know we have a big enough God for more. Isn't that the work that I do? That's what fills me, that's what brings me to life.

Alternative Paths

Trust 30 Day 14

"When good is near you, when you have life in yourself, it is not by any known or accustomed way; you shall not discern the foot-prints of any other; you shall not see the face of man; you shall not hear any name; the way, the thought, the good, shall be wholly strange and new." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

“What alternative opportunities, interpretations and paths am I not seeing?”

The things we have--cars, stereos, paychecks, job titles--ultimately don't matter. Even things that sound more noble, like publishing a book or earning a degree are ultimately worthless. They will all fade away. It seems most goals and visions we have in life not only revolve around these things that will fade, but we sacrifice the things that truly matter in order to acheive them. We relegate things like quality time with our kids, our marriage, and even our sprituality to "someday." Once we acheive "enough" we'll get back to that stuff. After all, the people that love us the most always be there, right?

But life isn't like that. It moves on. Focus on the wrong thing and the right things slip away. Kids grow up with or without a parent's help. Even the most patient spouses will not tolerate an absent mate forever. Distance can grow in any relationship--parents/kids, husband/wife, friends, and you/God.

Emerson says "...when you have life in yourself..." I have life in myself when I feel close to my kids. When they seek me out to show me something they've created (usually with duct tape) or a brain teaser they invented. I find life in myself when they find joy in life and eagerly share it with me. These things can be a distraction to the focus I have toward "my" goals. But "my" goals are meaningless without these things. I refuse to sacrifice my children or marriage on the altar of personal acheivement. Allowing myself to consistently be distracted by those I love has tangibly altered my vision for the future. I feel I'm not driven by blind ambition, I am willing to follow love and let the vision that we share unfold in front of us as we experience life together.