Broken reflections

I casually prodded the almost runny scrambled eggs with an old twisted fork, staring into the yellow goo for answers that just wouldn't come. The man sitting across from me told stories of his fractured life. Things aren't good.

He said this. She said that. There were actions that led to accusations that led to arguments that led to war. It is too familiar of a tale. It could be my story. It could be yours. This time, though, it's his. Words that were unthinkable just a few years ago are now the most common. Words like "hate" and "divorce."

As I gazed over my soggy, room-temperature hash browns into those eyes that were so desperately seeking answers, I was surprised by what I saw. Myself. My road has had different twists and turns, but has been a story filled with brokenness followed by redemption.

So I give my friend the answer. It may not be the answer he wants. It is the answer that has never failed me, though. Jesus. Only Jesus.

"I know you want the relationships that meant so much to you to be restored. I understand that you want to be seen as a man an not a monster. The only path out is Jesus. Only Jesus.

Focus on Him. Yield your life to Him. Learn to delight in His word and His presence again, just like in the old days. Remember how when Jesus was all you needed, life made sense? You were blessed beyond expectation. Everything on this world that means anything to you is a byproduct of that close relationship with Jesus. Have you ever been more fully a man than when you were close to him? Did those that knew you best ever call you a monster when your relationship with Christ was at its strongest?

I can't guarantee a happy ending. But if Jesus is the true desire of your heart, you will never be let down.

I know this not because it's the Christian thing to say. I say it because when I look into your soul, I see a reflection of myself. I see my own brokenness and I know we aren't that different. And I know that I need Jesus every second of every day. Life means nothing without Him. Yes, He is our savior, but He is also our sustainer. I tell you to lean on Him because I tell myself that every day."

I don't know how this story ends. I have a prayer. I have a hope. Because of Jesus, my friend does too.

No one is ever beyond redemption. No one is ever beyond hope. No one is ever beyond the reach of Jesus.

Never Surrender

"We shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end...we shall never surrender." - Winston Churchill

Many amazing and inspiring people have come in and out of my life. So many incredible men of God have crossed my path in the past few years. It's humbling and incredible. They have played the role of mentor, teacher, counselor, student, or brother.

One of the callings that God has somehow put into me is a passion to reach and minister to people with addictions. As a result, I have become close friends with a few former meth addicts. I hate meth. Meth sucks. It destroys lives. The side effects I've seen in people are permanent and undermine every positive part of life.

Russ (not his real name) was a brother to me. For many, many months, he was always the one that was there when I needed support. When I was struggling and feeling alone, he spoke truth into my life. I'd like to hope I did the same for him. He introduced me and prayed for me when I gave my testimony to recovering addicts. I did the same for him. But then the past crept back in. He grew distant. Gradually, one small step at a time, he slipped away. Consumed by his past. I don't know where he is now. This incredible, transformed man of God that meant so much to me is now gone. Probably forever. The damage from the past was too big of a burden, but he insisted on carrying it alone.

Over the past 6 months I've seen the same start to happen in another brother of mine. This is a man that I would look to for proof of God's life-transforming power. There were many times I doubted the transformation that had happened in me. I thought it would be temporary or that somehow it was fake. When I saw this guy's walk with Christ and heard his testimony, I knew that everything was real. I was close enough to know he wasn't faking. But now, years later, he's bogged down. To say he is backsliding would be an understatement.

I have silently watched him slip away as I have been praying for a phone call from him. Begging for him to reach out to me. Praying for a cry for help. Instead I've only seen taillights in the distance. Now he's almost gone.

So now it's time to pursue. Because that's what love does. Love acts. Love fights. Love rescues. Love never surrenders. I know God hasn't given up. I won't give up either.

Philippians 1:21

A second look?

Many people think Christianity is all about rules. It's about "do this, don't do that." I believed that most of my life, so I can relate. It kept me away for years. That was then, and now I know better.

The time between Palm Sunday and Easter up has been pretty special to me the past few years. In light of all the tension in the news (and in social media) it has been even more powerful this year. I'm amazed at how the message of grace, forgiveness, love, and redemption can so easily be muddled, confused, obscured, and ultimately missed.

I've been looking over these pictures since last week. They are from the first part of the "Passion Week"

presentation that my church is putting on this year. As I review them, I reflect on the joy and healing (physical, mental, and emotional) that are represented. I think about the tragedy and glory of what is to come in part two. It's humbling, moving,  inspiring, and life-changing to realize that God loves me (and you) so much that he went to these incredible lengths to demonstrate that love and to provide a way for us to have a  relationship with him.

This is what I know. God loves you. Jesus conquered death to build a bridge between you and God. He did that knowing that we aren't perfect and never will be. He isn't demanding perfection from us. As an incredible heavenly father, he wants to build a relationship with you, in spite of any fault you might think you have. In spite of any obstacle that you may think makes you unlovable to him. He loves you. Period.

Of course, if you're in the area I'd love for you to join us this week for Part Two at my church.  I'd also love for you to fearlessly join us in my Sunday School class. I'd like to challenge you to test our love, test our grace, see if we're a bunch of judgmental hypocrites or if we're broken people that have been radically transformed by His grace. But more important than that, I'd love for you to meet this Jesus guy that I know. Whether you ever come to my church or not, this kind of love and sacrifice demands a second look. There's nothing I like to talk about more.

I'd like to have a conversation with you if you feel you've been hurt or betrayed by the church. I'd love to share my story of the miracles I've seen in my life that have helped me to overcome the same thing. If you're brave and willing, I'll buy breakfast. No strings attached.

Who are you?

I've been participating in the "Christian Bloggers" community over on Google+ for a little while now. For the past few weeks, a challenge has been issued that we can choose to write about. I love things like that, so I've eagerly participated. Last week it was "Who is your audience?" 

Audience? I tend to be sporadic and random. But through all my half-thoughts and wandering prose,  underlying themes arise. This question has been at work in my heart and mind. The deadline is long past, but the question still hangs.

My answer has two components. I think it makes sense to start with Jesus. Luke 4 tells us that Jesus said He came to "tell the Good News to the poor. ...To announce forgiveness to the prisoners of sin and the restoring of sight to the blind, to forgive those who have been shattered by sin, to announce the year of the Lord’s favor." This is my guidance. I can't be like Jesus, but my goal is to reflect the work He has done in me.

Afflicted?

Through everything I write, and in fact in everything I do, my sincere hope and prayer is to be a comfort to the afflicted. That doesn't mean afflicted believers. That means the afflicted. Period. To those that feel overwhelmed by life, oppressed, trapped, or at the end of your rope, my hope is that in me you find compassion and understanding. I've been there too. You are not alone. I write about the love and incredible, outrageous grace of God so that you can know that God loves you right where you are. You don't have to clean yourself up before asking God into your life. I don't care what your "sin" is. Whether you are a believer or not, God wants to draw you closer to Him. Throughout history He has demonstrated this in a number of ways, the most significant was sacrificing His only son in order to pay the price for the chains you feel. There is a way out. God provided it. Because He loves you that much.

Comforted?

The second component of everything I write and teach is aimed at the "comforted." I have crossed paths with people my entire life that have this air about them. You know the type. They know enough of the Bible to defend their personal beliefs, culture, and biases. They are offensively confident in all they believe. They are great at talking but horrible at listening. It's a lot like a song I used to know that says "He holds his Bible like a dagger, and he twists it the same way." While the Christian "comforted" are the most obvious, there are plenty of people that cling to other belief systems the same way. I write for them too.

I love people that have rock solid faith. That's not my target. I aim for people that have not been transformed by the gospel. Maybe they are "cultural Christians," learning the lingo in order to fit in or improve their lives. Their motivation may be power, influence, money, or even just acceptance. They don't see themselves as sinners saved by grace. They see themselves as righteous enforcers of God's law. Don't get me wrong, I love these people, too. I believe God is reaching out to them just as strongly as He is to the "prisoners of sin." I'm not condemning them, I'm trying to get them to think... trying to get them to be a little introspective. To dig deeper into their faith and into their scriptures and experience total life transformation that originates from allowing God to work in the most hidden places in their heart.

Who?

I write to comfort the afflicted. I write to afflict the comforted. The truth is, I fall squarely into both categories every day. Writing forces thoughts to become concrete, where they can be explored and refined. I write about the love of God and the grace of God because I need to hear it. Every day. I've been a Christian for almost 7 years now, and I still sin. I still feel unworthy of God's love. That's because I am unworthy of God's love. But He chose to love me anyway. I didn't earn it and I'm still not earning it. No, I'm gratefully dancing in it, but I know that it's in spite of all I've done, not because of all I've done.

On the other hand...I go to church. A lot. I spend a lot of time in the Word. I almost have a verse from Habakkuk memorized. Most Christians probably don't know there even is a book of Habakkuk. I've been on multiple international mission trips and have been a part of countless salvation decisions. I have seen the Holy Spirit light up someones eyes for the first time. I've seen the tears of transformation flowing down an old man's formerly hopeless face. I teach adult Sunday school every week to a group of incredible, authentic, and broken people that I consider close friends. I've been writing my own curriculum in there for 3 years.  We're all just trying to get to know Jesus a little better. I also teach 5th and 6th graders on Wednesday night. And I'm about to start writing my own curriculum for that, too.  That's in addition to my full time job that pays pretty well (which I always tithe on...pre-tax). I've looked a high meth-addict in the eye, shaken his hand, and honestly told him "I'm glad you came to church today, come on in." I've hugged and prayed with carnival workers that had been high and homeless days earlier. When I list my "accomplishments" it would be easy to feel pride. It would be easy to feel like God must really like me because I do so much for him.

But, like Paul, I know that isn't the case. Without God I'm a hopeless mess. Without me, God is still God. Anything incredible that comes out of my life originates with Him. So I write. I write to remind myself of this. I write to drive myself back to Him. I write for me...I write for you. But ultimately, I'm writing for Him.

While reading this, if you felt like you fell into either category I can't say that it was entirely accidental. What I can tell you is that you aren't alone. You just found a new friend in me. I can tell you countless stories about how God loves you so much that you can trust Him with everything you have. You can tear down all the walls that are between you and Him and experience life that is more full, meaningful, exciting, and significant than you have ever imagined. That is available to everyone. Even me.

Why am I a Christian?

I haven't always been. Most of my life has been spent in defiant opposition to religion in general. Christianity was the worst of them all, though. The closed minded--even empty minded--lives of the religious people I knew was a source of constant frustration for me.

One day I started going to church and the strangest thing happened. Yeah, that sounds like an abrupt about-face but the details are a story for another day. They aren't so important to today's tale.

When I went I found exactly what I expected. The average Christian still couldn't answer the tough questions I had. They also still sang slow and boring songs. They were nice enough, though. I kept an open mind. Not so much because of them, but because I was still seeking truth and I decided not to let these imperfect people stand between me and it. I decided I would give God a fair shot and not judge Him solely on the actions of His followers. I went back.

Mysteries Unfolding

What I found out ended up changing the trajectory of my life. God is real. The miracles I had been demanding from Him my whole life had been there all along. It was like a veil was lifted from my eyes and I could see how active God's hand had been my entire life, even when I was fighting against Him. He had been pursuing me. Not to condemn me, but to love me. I had been blinded by my own arrogance and stubbornness.

I discovered that the creator of the universe cared about me with a deep and personal love. He wanted me to be with Him. He wanted me to have a relationship with him. Even though I had been rebellious...even though I had actively tried to drive a wedge between Him and His followers. Even though I had done nothing to deserve it.

He showed me that He loved me so much He sent His only son to rescue me. God knew the cost would be His perfect and beloved son's life. God knew I wouldn't appreciate it. He knew I would treat His love with contempt. He knew I would return love with anger and hate. He sent Jesus anyway. That is an overwhelming, unconditional, and incomprehensible love! Why would He do that? It doesn't make sense.

That unraveled one of my last assumptions. I knew that kind of love wasn't something I was capable of. It wasn't something that was inside anyone I had ever met. In order to be "God," God couldn't think like me...like any of us. His ways would have to be different than ours. Higher in some way. He would have a lot more information at His disposal. A lot more experience, too. His perspective would be entirely different than ours. It would have to be. I don't know how I missed that all those years.

From Head to Heart

Once my mind was opened to the possibility--no, the reality--of God, my heart soon followed. I spent a lot of time wrestling with theology, trying to understand all the implications of what Christians believe. Along the way, the miracles started happening. They still haven't stopped. I had spent my entire life seeking truth, demanding evidence on my own terms. Once I gave up demanding and began seeking to just experience a relationship with God, the world opened up.

Satisfied?

To answer the last question that remains...why Christianity? Believing in a higher power is one thing, but why the whole Jesus thing? My first answer is that it was through Jesus and Christianity that I experienced everything I've described above, everything I've written in this blog, and more than can possibly be imagined. I know Christianity is true because I have lived it. It holds up.

In case that's not enough...I've studied the other major religions. I have lived a sensible, stable, productive non-religious life. It seems religion is man's way of trying to find his way to God. Religions define sets of rules and rituals that must be obeyed in order to please a distant God. Jesus, however, is God reaching toward us. Unlike Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, Mormonism, Scientology, and even Judaism, in Christianity it is God that has done the work. Jesus accepts and welcomes everyone, no matter how broken or disobedient they are. God has given us the freedom to choose Him.

Bishop William Temple said that the only thing we contribute to our salvation is the sin that makes salvation necessary. It's scandalous. Offensive. Unique. But true.

What I know of love

What do you know of love? Maybe it's that love hurts. It requires an openness and trust that leaves you unprotected. Vulnerable. This world can be so cruel. Fully exposing your heart can be fatal.

I've been with my sweet lady since we were 16--way too young to know what love is. Like Jason Mraz says, "it takes no time to fall in love, but it takes years to know what love is." She and I have been learning what love is for over twenty years now. I don't know everything, but I've taken some notes along the way.

This is what I know of love.

Love is patient and full of grace. It always sees the best in others. Even at our worst, love has hope. Love endures. Love doesn't give up. I know this because I've seen it. I've lived it.

Unconditional love seems crazy. Why love someone that can't or won't return your love in the way you deserve? Why love someone totally, completely, and selflessly? Because it is the most powerful force in the universe. I have never seen true life change happen any other way. However, I could fill the internet with stories of lives changed because of unconditional love...lives changed through undeserved grace.

My sweetie taught me all about this by living it, by walking it out regardless of the consequences. She has loved me fearlessly and persistently through the highest mountains of my life and the deepest valleys. She has loved me when I didn't love myself. She has had hope where I thought no hope was possible. She has always seen and been a light in the darkest of nights. She chose to stay and fight every time it would've been easier to give up and go. We have learned to rejoice with each other for the sweet times in life. Together we have discovered the joy of parenthood, family, and growing old. Love taught us to cling ever so tightly to each other in life's storms.

Her example of love helped open my heart to begin to understand the nature of the love of God that He demonstrated through His son, Jesus. He loves us like that...unconditionally and full of grace. This incredible love that I have experienced from my gal--as unbelievable as it is--is a broken, imperfect refection of the immense and unconditional love of our creator. I find that incredibly humbling, driving me to my knees.

If I could wish two things for you, it would be that you experience this kind of love from another person here on earth and that you discover the love of Christ. Each will change your life beyond recognition. In the best possible way.

My friends, I believe one of the greatest treasures we have in this world is each other. We were created for relationships. To love on another. Fearlessly. To live a life with walls around your heart may keep some bad things out. It also keeps out so much good stuff. Over these last twenty(ish) years, my honey and I have found a few things we repeat to each other:

Love is messy. Love can hurt. 

But love is worth it. 

Every time.

Bored?

People close to me have asserted lately that if you're a Christian and your life is boring, you're missing out on something. In fact, I've heard lately that if you don't remember the last incredible thing that God did in your life, you are probably "doing it wrong." This isn't a health/wealth prosperity gospel variant at all, this comment was intended to be deeper, more personal. There are times God has used us in incredible and humbling ways that didn't lead to outrageous prosperity or fortune...our reward was simply being present when some incredible life change happened for someone else. Our reward was to be a witness to a miracle.

Now, I'm not one that believes that there are different levels of salvation. Saved is saved. If you're saved, it's impossible to be more saved. However, I am a firm believer in spiritual growth, commonly called discipleship.  Salvation happens once and is life-changing. Through spiritual growth, a relationship with God is developed.  If you stop at salvation, you miss out on the intimacy of a relationship with Jesus. You miss out on the guidance and assurance available through that relationship. You also miss out on the life of significance and adventure that is the result of a passionate pursuit of God (and His passionate pursuit of you.)

Am I great at this? Absolutely not. I was recently asked which of these five areas I was best at: prayer, solitude (in the context of Jesus isolating himself to focus on his relationship with the father), small group, time in the word, and trust in the unconditional love and guidance of the Father.  My honest answer was that I completely suck at all of them. Sure, I happen to be in the habit of consistently attempting them all, and maybe God's giving me credit for that. But, honestly, when judged on my results, I'm failing miserably.

Fortunately for me, I am not judged on my results. It isn't my effort that matters, and God seems like he's not done with me yet. This is still an incredible journey he's got me on. He continues to teach me about grace and unconditional love. His favorite teaching method seems to be continually giving both to me.